15. Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
An ambulance-chasing lawyer runs into trouble in a small town with an unbelievably strict justice system. Scary at the time, but pretty much just like Alabama now.
14. Cutting Cards
Walter Hill brings us this fun twist on the frequently adapted Roald Dahl story “Man from the South.” The twist—BOTH gamblers are finger-chopping psychos. No boobs, but it’s bonkers and fun and still worth bragging about having seen at lunch tomorrow.
13. Only Skin Deep
With a title like “Only Skin Deep” on, not a TV show but an HBO show mind you, I went in fully expecting to see boobs, and if it didn’t deliver I was fully prepared to throw my commemorative “Batman Forever” McDonalds glass right through the goddamn screen in a fit of pubescent rage. Luckily it did, and my Chris O’Donnell Robin cup is intact to this very day, currently valued at $46.
12. For Cryin’ Out Loud
The only boobs here are on Iggy Pop, but if there were an official “Tales from the Crypt” episode of The Hard Times, it would be this one. A sleazy music promoter tries to embezzle all of the money raised from a “Save the Amazon” concert series, which of course leads to murder. For his crime he is punished by a fate far worse than death… Sam Kinison’s voice in his head forever!
11. Carrion Death
Kyle MacLachlan of “Twin Peaks” fame stars as Earl Raymond Diggs, a serial killer (big stretch) pursued by a cop on his way to the Mexican border. He manages to kill his pursuer but not before the cop cuffs himself to Diggs and swallows the key, forcing him to carry the body with him… with a strange vulture following along the way. Okay look I know not every plot lends itself to sweet sweet brief nudity, but we can get creative here! He’s delirious in the desert, maybe he hallucinates some boobs? I’m just saying there are ways!
10. The New Arrival
‘80s horror icons David Warner and Zelda Rubinstein star in this story about a radio psychologist who, in an attempt to increase ratings, visits the home of a troubled frequent caller. No boobs, but it’s sort of like an episode of “Frasier” where Frasier dies at the end, so it’s sort of like the best episode of “Frasier.”
9. Forever Ambergris
Name a better collaboration between Steve Buscemi and Roger Daltry from The Who, I’ll wait. Roger plays a photographer named Dalt because otherwise he would get confused on set. Walt is jealous of Isaac’s photography skills and smoke show wife, so naturally he murders him, then, of course, goes on to be murdered himself but before that happens we get boobs! Wonderful glorious boobs! You get so much boob in this episode that you literally won’t know what to do with yourself because you’re 12 and you’re still figuring stuff out.
8. Well Cooked Hams
You’re telling me you got silver fox Martin Sheen and early ’90s Billy Zane on set, and no one wants to take their boobies out? I would! They’re playing turn-of-the-century magicians for god’s sake! Guess what guys, no one is there for the tricks, everyone is there to see the assistant’s top disappear. Disappointing and historically inaccurate.
7. On a Dead Man’s Chest
From the opening on an Elvis impersonating Crypt Keeper to the closing of him jamming out with his “GORE-age band,” this episode fucking rocks. Legendary director William Friedkin brings us this tale of rockstar Danny Darwin, lead singer of the band Exorcist (get it?) who is given a haunted tattoo of his guitarist’s wife that eventually drives him insane. While the episode is strong throughout, it is unfortunately top-heavy in the heavy tops department. We get an awesome boob in the beginning with a sick snake tattoo on it, but that’s it.
6. Dig That Cat…He’s Real Gone!
Richard Donner directs this tale of a homeless man who volunteers for an experiment giving him the 9 lives of a cat. He uses his newfound resurrection ability to become a carnival act, dying and coming back in front of huge paying crowds. Some lying, backstabbing, and murder later, he’s lying in a coffin during his “last big score” when he realizes he miscounted the lives and won’t come back this time. You see the “twist” coming a mile away, but Joe Pantoliano’s amusing performance is worth the price of admission. Unfortunately this episode not only features zero boobs, it co-stars Robert Wuhl, who is like the opposite of boobs.
5. Yellow
Robert Zemeckis brings the series back to its EC Comics roots, when horror stuff, crime stuff, and army guy stuff were all just sort of mish-mashed together under one banner. Kirk Douglas stars as a cowardly soldier during World War I, who begs his father, a general, to let him leave the army. Eventually, his cowardice gets him sent to a firing squad, where his father tricks him into thinking the guns are all blanks so that he will “die like a man.” It’s sort of an interesting inversion to Stanley Kubrick’s “Paths of Glory” which Kirk Douglas also starred in and which meant fuck all to our boob-starved 12-year-old trying to enjoy HBO’s free preview weekend minds.
4. Death of Some Salesman
What could be better than the iconic Tim Curry playing 3 different characters in an episode of “Tales from the Crypt?” The answer is of course boobs, which this episode sadly lacks. Curry and Ed Begley Jr. are dynamic together, and it’s one of the best executions of the show’s familiar con-man-gets-comupance formula, but seriously, would it have killed them to throw in some boobs? Even some decent prosthetics on Tim Curry’s chest would have gone a long way for us when we were 12. Luckily director Gilbert Adler learned the error of his ways when he made the Tales From The Crypt movie “Bordello of Blood” which features not only a plethora of boobies but also butts as well.
3. The Man Who Was Death
Some say that the first episode of “Tales From the Crypt,” was the very best, and that’s not a slight against the rest of the show. This story of an out-of-work executioner turned vigilante directed by Walter Hill of “The Warriors” and “King of New York” fame is an undeniably strong entry of the series, and if it delivered on the promise of brief nudity HBO so tantalizingly warned us about it would take our top spot for sure. Sadly, this did not come to pass.
2. Dead Right
Demi Moore plays a gold-digging waitress who marries a rich man on the advice of a fortune teller who convinces her he will die shortly after and somehow never shows her boobs. It’s Demi Moore, she probably has her boobs out RIGHT NOW! Come on HBO! You do see the boobs of 3 other women, 6 boobs total, but they have these weird tasselly things on them, so it leaves a little to the imagination, but somehow that’s hotter? Man, sometimes stuff doesn’t make any sense.
1. Split Personality
We got legendary producer Joel Silver’s sole directorial credit, early ’90s Joe Pesci sharing a scene with Burt Young and TWINS?! This episode has it all—a morally bankrupt degenerate getting his comeuppance, a dark twist, macabre dismemberment, and most importantly of all a boob, 5 whole seconds of one in all its booby glory. It is unfortunate that said boob does not belong to one of the twins because my cousin Anthony told me once that if you see one twin’s boobies you can say you’ve seen two girl’s boobies because the other girl has the same boobs, but this one is an all-timer nevertheless.
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