15. Deep Thought from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Apparently the answer to “A Separate Peace” is 42, and the computer refused to show its work. Instead, it suggested an even more advanced computer, the size of a planet, with organic life as part of its algorithmic matrix. This computer is to be called Earth, and I’m a part of it, and I still need to write this fucking report. Thanks a lot, asshole.
14. Alpha 60 from Alphaville
Alpha 60, the mechanical totalitarian ruler of Alphaville, is incapable of conceiving things like love, conscience, and poetry. He has declared “A Separate Peace” to be “The Perfect Book,” and it is now the only thing the citizens of Alphaville are allowed to read.
13. Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey
While trying to rationalize how a novel so homoerotic could be so mind-numbingly boring, Hal went insane.
12. The City Computer from Logan’s Run
It was no help in writing my report, but when I told it my teacher was over 30 it sent a couple of Sandmen after her ass so we’ll see.
11. Ash from Alien
Ash became morbidly fascinated by “A Separate Peace,” studying it obsessively. “I admire the book’s perfect banality, the utter lack of joy in its prose, the annoying pettiness of its protagonist. To fun, it is a perfect predator.” I told him his take was accurate but not useful and he rammed the book down my throat.
10. Replicants from Blade Runner
The Replicants were designed to mimic human beings perfectly. A little too perfect. They couldn’t read this shit either.
9. BB from Deadly Friend
Probably should have known better than to consult an AI written by Wes Craven. She suggested I throw a basketball at my teacher’s head so hard it explodes. At least she didn’t dance.
8. WOPR from Wargames
It wouldn’t write my report, but it assured me that the next world war would be too swift and devastating to include any of this boarding school melodrama bullshit, so that’s something.
7. David from Prometheus
“This novel eradicated any doubt in my mind that humanity is obsolete. Thank you.”
6. Tron
Well, I went into the Tron world, and showed all the programs the book, and they have all turned against the users, meaning us. I apologize for the worldwide upheaval this is soon to cause, I just really didn’t want to write my book report.
5. Bishop from Aliens
As an upgraded model Bishop was a little easier to work with than his predecessors Ash and David, but ultimately he was unable to write my report. “With my behavioral inhibitor, it is impossible for me to harm or by mission of action allow to be harmed a human being. That is why I can’t write your book report because if I read one more page of this whiney, empty-calorie horse shit I am going to fucking kill somebody.” We just sat around doing knife tricks.
4. The Teachers from Class of 1999
I thought consulting a bunch of robots with experience as high school teachers would be a no-brainer. Now I’ve got a bunch of bloodthirsty killing machines and weird-eyed Stacey Keach on my ass.
3. Samantha from Her
If you read anything about “A Separate Peace” you’ll read that it’s a coming-of-age story because that is literally all there is to say about this piece of crap. Well, Samantha had me coming of age real fast, if you catch my meaning. Then I made the mistake of asking her how many book reports she was currently writing for high school students, and the answer broke my heart.
2. Skynet from “The Terminator” Franchise
When I asked Skynet to write a book report on “A Separate Peace” it became self-aware. Viewing the book as a threat to the entertainment value of its existence, Skynet proposed jostling the branches of time and sending a robot back to kill John Knowles’s mother before he could ever write this crap. Tempting, but too risky. If “A Separate Peace” is never written, there’s a chance someone will write an even shittier book and I’ll have to do a report on that.
1. Lisa from Weird Science
Fuck Mrs. Esposito, fuck books, fuck school. I’ll be in my room with Lisa, DON’T COME IN!
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