15. Cookie Jarvis
His DIY venue would be called something like “The Golden Thelema of Hermetic Aether” and host Kenneth Anger film nights. Very open-minded but occasionally too open-minded.
14. Cornelius Rooster
This venue would be very strict about no alcohol or substances of any kind allowed. In the beginning it would be very popular with straight edge bands, but then everyone would get weirded out by the religious overtones and “purity” messages scattered around the venue.
13. Larry The Quaker Oats Guy
Larry is a Quaker so he’s all about communal living and non-violence. Everybody who lives at the venue does their share of work and has a peace table to discuss any aggressions in the place. Moshing is strictly prohibited. It’s technically a great venue as long as you don’t want to have any fun.
If not obvious from his fashion style, Frankenberry runs a harsh noise venue called something like “964 Pinocchio” where most acts include a guy with a shaved head smashing contact mics. It’s definitely not the type of place you take a first date.
11. Envirokidz Animals
These unnamed animals mostly hold benefit concerts to raise money for different causes and you can get $2 off ticket prices at the door if you bring a can of food. Unfortunately it will be shut down after the city declares them an anarchist terrorist group and sends in the SWAT team to “eliminate the threat.”
10. Fred Flintstone
Guy was a legend back in the day and still holds credit in plenty of circles. He got a lot of money after his quarry accident and used the funds to host his own secret speakeasy where bands can play. The biggest downside is every employee is a dinosaur who gives you attitude because you’re there.
9. Raisin Bran Sun
This venue is always 30 degrees hotter than the outside air temperature, but the PA is state of the art, the water cooler is always full, and the couch in the green room is always clean. Also, he’s got an in with The California Raisins so at least has good acts performing.
8. Boo Berry
Boo Berry is a hipster. Guy walks around with that hat and bowtie like he thinks he’s Robert Crumb. If you want a more mainstream sound, he will tell you to go to Count Chocula’s. Boo Berry is for the more obscure crowd where everyone is only there to see the bands. A bit elitist but good bands show up.
7. Coco The Monkey
Just look at that flipped-up trucker hat. That’s the hat of a monkey who’s seen D.R I. on twelve different occasions and loves to thrash. He runs the best venue in an “up and coming” neighborhood and he will most likely be priced out within two years.
6. Fruit Brute
Fruit Brute’s place was shut down years ago but everybody talks about his venue like it was the coolest place to be even though nobody ever went there. Legend has it Lightning Bolt performed a set in their bathroom one time.
5. Dig ‘Em
Another metal dude who wears a baseball cap. That voice is not because he’s a frog, that voice is because his venue is a tiny room filled with chain smokers. As a frog, he loves the crammed space because the sweat of everyone together makes him feel like he’s back in the swamp. His place is where you see genuine metal shows.
4. Professor Weetos
He’s popular in Europe, he used to look like a Primus music video, and apparently at one time sold Watership Down action figures. I don’t know what kind of shows this guy hosts, but I sure want to see.
3. Count Chocula
The Count used to be doing huge shows every week but now just does occasional shows when the season is right, rumor has it he texts with Danzig almost daily. When it comes to cereal he doesn’t pretend like he’s promoting something healthy so he’s shown he’s an upfront and trustworthy guy.
2. Mr. T
It’s Mr. T, of course this place is gonna be lit. Anybody who starred in 1993’s Freaked is gonna host a rager. Bands like Turnstile play secret shows at this place whenever they roll through town for the true fans.
1. Crazy Craving
The horrendous early CGI of this character shows that Crazy Craving is an experimental trendsetter while at the same time, representing pure animalistic id. This is the perfect combination for housing some of the greatest DIY acts you could ever see. He would host the kind of place that has grindcore one night, real-time audio-visual computer disco another night, circuit-bending Furbys the next week, then a monthly talent show where people can see who is the biggest obnoxious asshole on stage.