We’ve all had those moments where we can’t fall asleep unless we put on playlists of old cereal commercials to lull us into unconsciousness as we are reminded of the simpler times in our childhood. Of the many dreams that can create, one is a beautiful vision of all your favorite local concerts taking place at different mascot’s homes. Here’s to looking at which cereal mascots have what it takes to run the best DIY venue in your city.
30. Chef Wendell
He’s too old to be doing this. A white-haired pastry chef starting a DIY venue is a recipe for Chef Wendell to get his ass kicked whenever some tough guy band wants extra drink tickets. He’s best suited creating cereal magic in the kitchen. Leave this pure old man alone from that devil’s music.
29. Mr. Mini Wheats
Mr. Mini Wheats wants people to eat him and his friends. Not sure if they have a death wish or a vore fetish but either way this isn’t a guy you want hanging around teenage musicians, or anyone for that matter.
28. Cookie Crook and Cookie Cop
There’s little imagination needed to figure this one out. One loves to steal and the other is a cop. Neither one is trustworthy. It’s also not a good sign that the two people running the venue are always fighting.
This guy is clearly unstable and cannot be trusted with any responsibility. Booking shows at his place would be a nightmare, he openly admits to being mentally unstable to anyone who will listen. Any door money collected for bands will disappear the minute he’s got his mind on cereal.
26. Trix Rabbit
This spineless loser gets walked over by kids all the time. His place is gonna be filled with kids looking for a place where they can drink beer without being carded and all the dudes who have been banned from other venues just hanging around playing with their knives. By the end of the venue’s run, it has slowly been turned into a meth lab and he’s just gonna go “Oh well, fun while it lasted.”
25. Chip The Wolf
Will charge people $20 at the door if he thinks they’re dumb enough then will pocket the cash and drive off before any of the bands on the show realize they still haven’t been paid. He will also pee on the cars in the parking lot.
24. Bad Apple And CinnaMon
The venue would feature a half-baked wall mural of Bob Marley made out of Sharpie markers and they would constantly talk about how they want to “Open up a skate shop out back” when they really need to invest in a plumber because the toilet is overflowing again.
23. Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Snap, Crackle, and Pop started their venue entirely because no one else wanted to host their terrible band they describe as “Catch-22 meets Thursday meets Nick Cave.” They’ll insert themselves into most shows they host despite getting old faster than the soggy cereal they promote.
22. Sugar Bear
Nothing special about his place. Everyone who attends barely cares about the bands and talks over them. Much like the cereal being changed from Sugar Crisps to Golden Crisps, the venue’s name had to be changed due to association with certain illegal activities that occurred.
21. Lucky The Leprechaun
Lucky is all about magic or as he would say, “Magick.” The name of the venue will be an unpronounceable sigil he created. After the shows die down he will try to get the remaining people to participate in a sex ritual but most people still there at 5 a.m. don’t want to hook up with this guy who has Andy Rooney eyebrows drawing circles on the floor.
20. Buzz the Cheerios Bee
By the end of the day Buzz is just another drone serving his hive and Queen. He will forever be a bootlicker who is ready to give up his punk lifestyle whenever it becomes too time-consuming. Plus the floors in the place are way more sticky than any human can comprehend.
19. Toucan Sam
Every single flier, and I mean every single flier will have “Follow my nose” listed as the location. This will be great at confusing police from shutting the place down. His sketchiness is questionable due to his refusal to accurately spell the word fruit. Makes you wonder if that’s a legal thing he’s hiding.
18. Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch
This Sgt. Pepper looking guy loves to host psyche rock acts which is cool, but all the food options in the venue cut your mouth up so bad that most bands vocalists can’t even perform. Also, if you accidentally knock his hat off he will beat you within an inch of your life.
17. Carmella Creeper
Carmella is known to throw crazy events. She is a DJ so she hosts a lot of raves, but the venue is in that sketchy part of town where all the streetlights are broken and even the trains seem to drive faster.
16. Tony The Tiger
Frosted Flakes are barely healthy or extraordinary in flavor but that never stopped Tony from promoting them as this delicious meal for doing sports. That means it doesn’t matter if the band sucks, Tony will talk up how Grrrreat! they are. Definitely good if your band is playing. Still, he’s kind of a jock and all the toilets were replaced with a giant litter box.