20. Lonesome Town
It’s basically “Silent Night” only cool, okay?!
19. People Ain’t No Good
You could make the case that this is a song about Santa’s naughty list, maybe even throw in that it was in one of those claymation Christmas movies. If you’re asked “Which one?” just say “You know, the one with all the snow and the creatures and such.”
18. Surfin’ Bird
Just tell everyone it’s about that bird Snoopy hangs out with, what’s his name, Woodstock? Yeah, Woodstock. He’s Christmas, and he loves surfing, you can look it up.
17. Love Me
Christmas is all about love for your fellow man, and if you delete this track from the holiday playlist you’re basically saying “No, I disagree.” What would Jesus think of that?
16. Rockin’ Bones
Okay, you can claim “It was in ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas!'” for almost any Cramps song, but you’re only going to be able to sell it like twice, three times tops, so choose wisely. That being said, this one is probably the most believable Jack Skellington song.
15. Primitive
This song is an ode to the state of mankind before God sent his only living son to show us the light and die for our sins. Don’t take the Christ out of Christmas brah!
14. New Kind Of Kick
It’s simple, Lux is asking for a new pair of shoes this Christmas, a nice kind he’s never had before, probably Air Jordan 1s. Even sneakerheads deserve love on Christmas ya’ll.
13. Fever
The Cramps’ version of “Fever” best encapsulates the song’s Christmas message, which is more relevant now than it ever was. Holiday travel can be taxing on your immune system, and no one wants to wake up sick on Christmas morning, so mask up at that airport everyone! Honestly, skipping this one for “Little Drummer Boy” is just irresponsible.
12. What’s Inside a Girl?
This is what the elves listen to while they assemble little girl dolls for all the good little boys and girls who asked for dolls that year, duh!
11. TV Set
Pretty straightforward, it’s Christmas, and Lux Interior would like a TV set for his gift. And if he doesn’t get one, he’ll cut your fucking head off.
10. The Creature From the Black Leather Lagoon
Yeah, the creature from the Black Leather Lagoon, he was one of the misfit toys. You know cause like, he lived in a lagoon, but he liked to wear leather, which is famously not supposed to get wet.
9. The Crusher
No no no, he didn’t say “rAAAApe,” he said uh… “sleAAAigh.” You know, Santa’s sleigh.
8. Domino
An ode to one of the most classic Christmas toys of all time, dominos.
7. Garbageman
Oh wow, I’m embarrassed for you, because apparently you’ve never heard of The Christmas Garbageman, which is pretty classist of you. After Santa swoops in and hogs all the glory, Joe the Garbageman visits every house in the world and picks up the excess Christmas garbage. He doesn’t do it in a single night because he’s tired from balancing work with raising a family and he has gout. Still, he deserves our gratitude and respect.
6. The Way I Walk
You know that movie “The Santa Clause” where Tim Allen accidentally kills Santa and then becomes Santa? That actually happened to Ron Pearlman. This is the song that starts playing every time he pops out of a fireplace and saunters over to the Christmas tree puffing a cigar and sporting cool sunglasses.
5. I Was A Teenage Werewolf
Okay, if we’re being honest this one will not be an easy sell, but it’s a great Cramps song and you’re going to want to fight tooth and nail for it. Pull out all the stops, do what you have to do. There was a werewolf in “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” maybe there’s an angle there? Maybe you can spend the 6 months before Christmas doctoring a bunch of Christmas stuff to include werewolves with Photoshop and leaving them around the house in places your family will only register them on a subconscious level. Use MK Ultra techniques if you have to, this song fucks.
4. Green Fuz
“Oh, what’s this song doing on the Christmas playlist you ask? Sure I can explain. You see Santa’s suit was originally green until Coca-Cola marketing decided to make it red, and The Cramps are the most important psychobilly band of all time and just shut up and let me have this and that can be my present okay?” Just let me have this. Let me have this for Christmas.
3. I Can’t Hardly Stand It
It’s pretty clear that what the author “can’t hardly stand’ is the anticipation of Christmas morning! Who among us doesn’t remember being a kid trying to sleep on Christmas Eve and being so excited you just couldn’t keep your eyes shut and saying to yourself ‘This anticipation of presents has got me all tore up!”
2. Human Fly
“It’s not about a human fly hybrid, it’s about Santa. He’s a human, and he flies.”
“Then why is he saying ‘Buzzzzzz'”
“That’s the sound the reindeer make.”
“No it isn’t!”
“Oh yeah? What sound does a reindeer make then?”
“They uhm… I’m not sure…”
“Yeah, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Never question me again.”
1. Goo Goo Muck
It’s your best bet really. It got a huge bump from that “Wednesday” show so anyone in your family who falls into the Disney Adult/internet basic crowd will register it as acceptable content. If anyone else raises a stink just play them that scene again—she’s clearly at a winter ball. That makes “Goo Goo Muck” a more valid holiday song than “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by a mile.
Listen to the playlist: