CINCINNATI — A benefit show held last night for St. Therese’s Children’s Hospital failed to raise any monetary funds to donate, but successfully generated over 100 shout-outs to all of the children currently receiving treatment, according to event organizers.
“This next one goes out to all my motherfuckers in the critical care unit!” screamed Demons and Diamonds frontman Sidney Ewing at the beginning of his band’s set. “And huge thanks to St. Therese’s, and everyone at the Shoehorn for having us. Now, I want to see all you healthy motherfuckers dancing hard for this next song — everyone pretend you are Jonas fucking Salk, and this whole fucking room is polio. Fuck this place up!”
The show was well attended, but between a pay-what-you-want entry policy and the wanton destruction of the venue and its surrounding landscaping, the event ultimately ran at a net loss for the evening.
“We had a goal of $1,000,” said Glenn Hunter, who booked the event. “But between paying all the bands, renting the venue, not getting the security deposit back, and all of the various cleaning and building crews we’re now forced to hire, we actually are looking at putting on another show to try and recoup some of these losses.”
“On the bright side, though, everyone gave it the fuck up for those sick kids,” Hunter added. “Lots of positive vibes in the air, for sure. Stoked we could at least give them that.”
Despite no monetary donation, hospital staff said the children were delighted by the various shout-outs and song dedications raised last night.
“This is so cool,” said Terry Donner, a 9-year-old recently upgraded to “stable” after a car accident. “I’ll put it next to all the prayers the church sent. Is it true that Dying Divide really dedicated their whole set to me? Holy shit — I’m going to be walking in no time!”
At press time, a group of local hardcore kids were forcibly removed from the hospital after reportedly storming in with the intention of “fucking cancer up good.”