29. Bill Dauterive
No doubt that Bill is easily the most depressed person on the show. No one would be surprised to find out that he’d been blacking out his bedroom windows, donning eyeliner, and quietly listening to The Sisters of Mercy by candlelight. Still, most of his desperate measures are aimed at acquiring and maintaining human connection. That coupled with his steadfast devotion to the U.S. Army makes him a very unlikely candidate for a secret goth spell.
28. Minh Souphanousinphone
Minh has had a lot of phases throughout the series. She was a redneck, an ’80s nostalgia chaser, a skeet shooter, a stock broker… the list goes on and on. Minh’s consistent phase, however, is her pride. It’s almost impossible that she wouldn’t at least dabble in the goth culture, but there’s no way she’d let anyone know and potentially ridicule her for it.
27. Lenore Dauterive
Lenore is so absent from Bill’s life she may as well be a ghost, which is the ultimate level up for a goth. Sadly, because of her disappearance, we have no way of confirming if she’s committing to the bit or not.
26. Jimmy Wichard
Jimmy Wichard is a pretty angry and susceptible guy. We can see him getting roped into a Misfits cover band pretty easily, and he’d probably be a surprisingly good Danzig. The band would probably only play a few shows, but Jimmy would definitely keep up the Devil Lock look behind closed doors.
25. Lady Bird Hill
Ladybird is disinterested in nearly everything around her. When Hank built her an elaborate dog house to help combat Bobby’s allergies, she turned her nose up and walked right back into the main house to nap. Probably because there weren’t enough spiderwebs, skulls, and blacklights in Hank’s design.
24. Connie Souphanousinphone
The last time Connie did something in secret, she joined and quit a bluegrass band, which is one of the least goth things a person can do. She also vehemently tried to warn Bobby that her cousin was tricking him into making meth with her. A real goth would have been on the ground floor of that venture.
23. Matilda “Tilly” Mae Garrison
Hank’s mother ‘Tilly’ collects miniatures and even talks to them. Sure, the story behind that is horrifyingly depressing, but we all know collecting creepy trinkets is the first of many incremental steps toward a full-blown hidden goth phase.
22. Debbie Grund
Normally when you hear about an extremely horny person accidentally offing themselves in an attempt to climb into a dumpster while juggling various junk food items, you think only one thing: ‘that poor goth.’ This isn’t really the case with Debbie Grund though. She wore all aspects of her troubling personality on her sleeve, and not a single one was goth.
21. Luanne Platter
The explosion of the Mega-Lo-Mart that claimed the life of her boyfriend, Buckley, certainly sent Luanne to a very dark place, but it didn’t really hit the levels of your average goth. We’re not sure if Luanne even knows what a goth is, but she likely wouldn’t be down with all the Satanism if she did.