1990: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Really, is there anything more ‘90s than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? The heroes in a half shell made their way to retail shelves in 1990 and they would be bought up faster than you can say “no anchovies!”
You die on the toilet after mixing the wrong pills on November 2nd, 2040. This technically makes your demise sewer-related, so hey, turtle power!
1991: TIE: Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis
Yup, two big game-changer consoles dominated every kid’s Christmas list in the same year, and damn it all we just can’t decide which one wins! On the one hand, Nintendo still develops relevant gaming consoles to this day. On the other, Sega’s impact on gaming is undeniable, they gave us Sonic The Hedgehog after all! Where do you stand on SNES vs. Sega Genesis? Better decide quickly because…
Just 12 days from now the car Elon Musk shot into space will fall from orbit and strike you dead. Settle your opinions on early ‘90s gaming consoles and make peace with God.
1992: Talkboy
Despite being pretty much just a bulkier, less convenient tape recorder, the Talkboy was treated like Kevin McCalister’s Bond gadget in “Home Alone 2” and kids bought into the marketing hook, line, and sinker. There was even a Talkgirl!
You die on Christmas Eve of 2037 by falling down the stairs after being hit in the face by a paint can while trying to rob a 9-year-old. It’s the most ‘90s kid death ever.
1993: Pogs
If you’re old enough to remember the Pog craze you’ll find it hard to explain to anyone even slightly younger than you. It’s hard to believe that four years AFTER the Gameboy came out kids went nuts over little cardboard discs with graphics on them. The discs were used to play a basic flip game, usually with the winner keeping the losers Pogs, which led to a gambling scare that caused them to be banned in many schools.
Our pre-cogs witnessed you dying of accidental electrocution during a home project on May 12th, 2029, but you got resuscitated by paramedics. While you never fully regain the use of your left arm, you are the only person reading this list whose fate is truly their own. Make it count.
1994: Power Rangers Toys
This was the year Power Rangers action figures made up over $1 billion of toy sales, which comes to about 12 action figures sold in total. We’re joking of course, they were like $11 each, but that was a lot of money at the time!
Woah buddy, we have no idea how you die but apparently, it is a doozie! The pre-cogs are freaking the fuck out right now, hard! They just keep chanting “MURDER! FIRE! BLOOD!” in unison over and over! What did you do? Well, whatever it is, the shit goes down on July 18th, 2050.
1995: Beanie Babies
While the fact that they can still be found on drug store toy shelves to this day says something, the phenomenon of Beanie Babies in the ‘90s cannot be understated. Children and adults alike collected them obsessively, convinced that the mini plushies would be worth thousands of dollars someday.
You try guava for the first time on May 30th, 2031 and it turns out you are allergic to Guava. Your throat closes and you die. Do not attempt to avoid this incident, the Pre-cogs have seen it, your death is undeniably part of the fabric of reality, this is going to happen.
1996: Tickle Me Elmo
We’re talking peak toy shopper craze here. In the weeks leading up to Christmas of 1996, there were stories on the news every day about people camping in lines overnight, fighting one another over the few available units, or flipping them for upwards of $1000—a steep markup for a doll that only cost $30!
You die in a plane crash on November 22nd, 2051.
1997: Tamagotchi
These pocket digital pets took the world by storm, but some experts issued strong concerns over the effects they would have on children. The pets died if users didn’t interact with them every 5-6 hours, which began to breed obsessiveness in some children. It’s funny to think about. When is the last time you went 5 hours without staring at a fucking device?
You get hit by a bus a week from now because you were looking at your stupid phone in the middle of the goddamn street.
1998: Furby
It was as if the Beanie Babies, Tickle Me Elmo, and Tedy Ruxben all got together and birthed this… this… this thing. This animatronic bird-like gremlin came out of the bog speaking a language called “Furbish,” but could be taught bits of English over time.
You will be poisoned to death by a relative during an estate battle on April 19th, 2034.
1999: Pokémon Cards
Gotta collect ’em all! This turn-based battle card game helped solidify the genre and made it a staple of children’s toys continuing to this very day.
Low and desperate, you will attempt to rob a gas station on February 1st of 2042 and get gunned down by police.
2000: Razor Scooter
You never know what’s going to make a comeback. Despite essentially just being a regular old scooter with hand breaks, the Razor Scooter topped every kid’s Christmas list—quite a feat considering it came out the same year as the Playstation 2!
On August 4th, 2029 you starve to death after getting your arm stuck in a rock slide during a nature walk.
2001: Bratz
This ain’t your grandma’s girl-centric doll! Marketed as the “ant-Barbie doll,” these girls are glossy, fashion-forward, and full of sass! The dolls, and their various accessories, remain a huge money-maker to this day!
When police discover your body on June 26th, 2056, they are faced with a shocking revelation: Jack The Ripper is alive and well.
2002: Beyblades
Making cartoons and comic books to promote a toy line was old hat by 2002, but Beyblades were something of an innovation. The manga revolved around the game itself, so kids could actually play the game the story was centered around!
September 3rd, 5031. Your spacecraft veers off course into a wormhole, bringing you to a mysterious world where apes have somehow evolved from man, or so it seems. Relentlessly pursued by the apes, who fear what a talking human could be capable of, you roam the planet only to discover the shambled remains of the Chicago silver bean. It was Earth, all along. You die of despair.
2003: Dance Dance Revolution
Already a phenomenon in arcades, 2003 saw the launch of a home version where you and your friends could dance to hit songs on a special mat that tracked your movements!
You perish on August 30th, 2065, during the actual Dance Dance Revolution.
2004: Robosapien
There have been a lot of robot toys over the years but kids in 2004 fell in love with Robosapien because of the wide array of things he could do. The Remote controlled toy had voice functionality and 67 pre-programmed moves. He could even burp!
On March 11th of 2029, you aren’t watching where you’re going and you fall down an open manhole. Your neck breaks on impact killing you immediately.
2005: Guitar Hero
And we enter the modern era! Critics can complain all they want about how it takes almost as much time and effort to master this game as it would to learn an actual musical instrument, we’re too busy shredding those buttons to “Crazy Train,” and absolutely crushing it by the way!
April 7th, 2068, plague.
We have been advised by our attorneys not to disclose the deaths of anyone currently under the age of 18, but rest assured that by 2113 a giant solar flair will eradicate the ozone layer and we’re all pretty much goners. Until then, on behalf of The Hard Times and our pre-cogs, enjoy what time you have left!
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