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“Game of Thrones” Characters Ranked by How Much of An Asshole They Would Be As a Sound Guy

“Game of Thrones:” the acclaimed HBO fantasy-drama that proved incontrovertibly that Americans will watch literally anything if you cram enough tits and butts in front of the camera. Additionally, the show also features more characters that are assholes than Pornhub’s wingdings font. The sheer volume of assholes on this show is only comparable to whatever union this country’s sound guys belong to – so we here at The Hard Times decided to draw the obvious parallel. Here’s our list of “Game of Thrones” characters ranked by assholery if they controlled the microphone placement. And yes, this is based off of the tv show, not the books. We don’t read books.

50. Hodor

This lovable oaf is only ever there to help you out. Hodor may not be able to communicate all that well, but at least you don’t have to worry about loading in your own gear with him around.

49. Missandei

Effective, understanding and compassionate – Missandei is everything a good sound guy ought to be, and yet none are.

48. Samwell Tarly

Sam is too sensitive to be an asshole to anyone. You could probably push your whole bass cab off the stage and have it land on his wife and he’ll apologize to you. Asking “Could I get some more bass in the monitor?”  might actually kill him.

47. Maester Luwin

Maester Luwin is only there to serve whoever the fuck is in power at that exact moment. And for the next 20 minutes, as you muddle through your half-rehearsed ska rendition of Men Without Hats covers, that’s you. Who can dance if they want to? Fucking you can!

46. Podrick Payne

Podrick is a nice boy – that’s good. He’s also an unstoppable sexual dynamo, which sets him as the diametric opposite of every other sound guy who’s ever lived. Yeah, he’s not gonna be giving you any shit about feedback as he confidently and lovingly fucks your bass player’s sister.

45. Ned Stark

Lord Stark has a pretty strict code of honor which dictates he always does the right thing for those who are loyal to him. All you gotta do is bum him a Parliament before sound check and he’ll go to bat for you even if the venue manager threatens to cut off his head.

44. Shireen Baratheon

She’s a sweet kid. You’ll probably have to hear some guff about how her dad is trying to get promoted to night manager, but just don’t say anything about that thing on her face and you’ll be fine with her running the show.

43. Qyburn

Qyburn is a bit of a renegade, but that means he’s willing to bend the rules a bit to get what you want done. So your amps exceed the safe voltage restrictions for the club’s electrical system? Qyburn is already on his way down to the fuse box with a pair of wire clippers and a sly smirk on his face.

42. Varys

The Spider has always said that he lives to serve the realm. One could assume that most of the time that means the venue you’re getting fifty bucks to open in – but since he’s also not afraid to stab a few backs every now and then, it stands to reason that if you stay on his good side then maybe you wind up the headliner sooner than you’d expect.

41. Gilly

She’s surprisingly sweet despite meeting the core sound guy criteria of barely being able to read and having a baby born of incest.

40. Jeor Mormont

The Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch can definitely be a hardass, but rest assured he always has your best interests at heart. Keep that in mind when you accidentally lock yourselves out of the green room and need someone to strongarm the custodian to get the keys for you.

39. Davos Seaworth

This dude’s a smuggler. You know what that means? It means he knows where to get coke. You’re welcome.

38. Dickon Tarly

This plain-flavored-tapioca of a character doesn’t have enough personality to even know how to be a dick… on.

37. The Three-Eyed Raven

He can be a bit cryptic, like when you ask him where he wants the guitars loaded in and he replies “The ether beneath the field where men pretend they control the skies.” But this dude has been around since this venue was still an abandoned Waffle House – he’s gonna show you everything you need to know about why the PA system is making that noise again.

36. Arya Stark

Fuck! Arya already killed the booker ‘cause he once called her dad “a bit of a knave.” Welp, onto the next name on the list… erm… we mean “tour date.”

35. Jorah Mormont

If you treat him like dogshit long enough then apparently he falls in love with you. At least he’s devoted to the artists.

34. Jon Snow

Jon Snow has really been through the ringer, and usually when that happens to a sound guy they just get really into salvia and refuse to make eye contact. But Jon somehow keeps going – which may actually be a bit annoying when he comes back from the dead just to show you the proper way the mixing board is supposed to be set up.

33. Lyanna Mormont

Fuck – we got a lot of Northerners on this list so far. Let’s get the hell out of that do-gooding tundra on the next one if we can.

32. Tommen Baratheon

There we go! King Tommen is a perfectly affable little shit. He’s easily distracted by the prospect of getting laid, so he might miss sound check because they hired a new bartender for him to harass. But as long as he’s back by showtime he’s not gonna try to cut anyone’s mic.

31. Brienne of Tarth

Once she starts to serve you, Brienne is loyal until the end – like, annoyingly so. She’ll adjust the monitor levels once for you and next thing she’ll be declaring how she’s gonna produce every record any member of your band ever does for free. It’s an overcorrection that isn’t so much being an asshole as just being “a lot.”

30. Hot Pie

When we first meet him, he’s an asshole. Then he’s just kind of a goon. Then he’s actually a pretty useful plot device. Is he the most developed character in all of “Game of Thrones”? No, that can’t be right. But still he’ll be pretty unpredictable as to which version you get as your sound guy.

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