20. Estelle Leonard
This broad would be more interested in the “star” quality your kid apparently has. She’ll blow cigarette smoke in your face, demand to see a headshot, and lightly manhandle your kid’s face, examining every facial feature. “You got talent, kid?” she’ll ask, hoarsely. “Nevermind, with a face like this you don’t need talent.” Then she’ll leave her business card and give your kid a huge kiss on the cheek, leaving a lipstick stain that’ll take 3 1/2 showers to completely come off. You’ll never hear from her again.
19. Eddie Menuek
This tweaker’s gonna be invading your personal space, telling you he’s got it on good authority that the Knicks are gonna lose by 4 against the Nets and he’s gonna put 5 grand down but he’s broke right now and wants you to float him. He’ll say this while looking over his shoulders one too many times. He’ll swear he’s good for the money either way and before leaving he’ll swipe five bucks out of your daughter’s cash drawer.
18. Mr. Treeger
Mr. Treeger will not be afraid to berate an 8-year-old to the point of tears for no discernible reason. You’ll then have to step in to defend your kid but inevitably he’ll steer the conversation into politics hoping one of his culture war buzzwords will trigger you into a debate. After the third mention of George Soros it’s best to pack it up for the day.
17. Steve
Steve won’t call the cops but that doesn’t mean he still won’t ruin your kid’s lemonade stand. He’s gonna show up high and stick around way longer than he should. He’ll complain to anybody that’ll listen about how miserable his life is and even though he blames marijuana for ruining his life, he still continues to smoke.
16. Roy “Goodbody”
When Officer Goodbody arrives on the scene he’ll be confused because clearly somebody meant to call a real police officer and not a stripper. Since he’s too insecure to admit he’s not a real police officer, he decides to leave you with a warning before buying a cup to go.
15. Roger
You don’t want Roger anywhere near you or your child. Not because he’s a creep or anything but because his unwanted psychology readings have already caused two divorces and one kid being admitted to a mental health facility.
14. Benjamin Hobart
This guy’s the type to get annoyed at the crowd gathering near your driveway because people are parking their cars in front of his house and even though it’s a public street he considers that spot to be his property. He won’t call the cops though, he’ll just decide to cut his grass hoping the noise from the lawnmower drives you crazy.
13. Stu
With a toothy grin and nasal-y voice he’ll approach your daughter and say, “Hey little girl, you think you’re so cool, huh? Let’s see how cool you are when you’re in handcuffs.” It’ll seem that for some reason this adult man has some sort of personal vendetta against your 8-year-old child. You don’t know why or how that’s possible but Stu wants to see her suffer. And when you try to interject he’ll say, “stay out of it,” without ever breaking eye contact. Thankfully when the cops arrive they’re more concerned about your family’s safety than some kid’s lemonade stand.
12. Susan Bunch
Susan would complain that it’s not fair that their house has been repeatedly fined for having loud house parties and yet this seemingly illegal lemonade stand can just operate without the property vendor license. So, she’ll call the cops in the name of equal treatment.
11. Melissa Warburton
Melissa thinks this operation you have going on is a bit of an eyesore. I’m not going to blame her snooty attitude on repressed homosexuality but it doesn’t help. She won’t even give you time to explain yourself before she calls the cops.
10. Ben Geller
Ben’s a little shit-stirrer that only an absent father can produce. If he understood vending permits he would no doubt use that as a way to cause your kid grief. What’s more likely is him bullying your kid for his own amusement and possibly committing health code violations by tainting the lemonade with his entire right arm.
9. Cassie Geller
It’s beneath Cassie’s natural beauty to do something so ugly like calling the cops on an 8-year-old. That’s why she’ll have her new boyfriend do it for her.
8. Ross Geller
Ross’s anger can sometimes get the better of him which is why when he sees your kid’s lemonade stand is siphoning people away from his yard sale, he freaks the fuck out. He calls the police to report your house for operating without a license and when the cops show up they give your child a pass and give him a fine for lacking the property permits for his yard sale.
7. Russ
Much like Ross, Russ has anger issues and thinks he’s better than everyone else. He’s probably gonna to get into a pissing match with your kid over something stupid like the periodic table and then once he’s bested by your 8 year old he’ll narc on you in order to get the last laugh.
6. Cecilia Monroe
Cecilia will be pissed to see a lemonade stand outside your house because that means she won’t be getting any attention that day. After the third person walks by without acknowledging her role on “Days of Our Lives” she blows a fuse and grabs her phone. She’ll sit behind her window, peeking behind the curtain smirking while you and your daughter pack up your things. She’ll relish every second.
5. Susie Moss
You can’t take Susie for her word. She’ll buy a cup and make idle chatter while impatiently waiting for the cops to arrive. Little did you know, she placed an anonymous phone call to the police and she wants to relish in your indignation.
4. Will Colbert
Will would feel like it’s his duty to warn others about the dangers of refined sugars. He will start to harangue about all the issues of the American diet and how the number one cause of obesity is sugar. He will hold up pictures of his former fat body and use them as a scare tactic to shame everyone for buying a cup. When the cops arrive he looks your teary-eyed kid in the face and says, “This is for your own good.”
3. Jill Green
Jill is destined to be the face of a new Karen video. She’s the type to ram a kid off his skateboard before crying in front of the police. She’s not gonna stand by and let you and your kid ruin her quiet neighborhood. She’s gonna shut your shit down so fast you’ll think she paid someone off. The worst part will be her self-righteous smile as she watches you tear down.
2. Ursula Buffay
When Ursula shows up she’ll be very pleasant. She’ll compliment your house and how you raised a good kid. She’ll even buy a couple cups of lemonade. Then out of nowhere the cops show up asking to see your vendor’s permit. You’ll be so confused. “Who called?” you ask out loud and then with no emotion or remorse Ursula says, “Oh that was me.” before continuing her conversation with your partner. When you ask her why, she’ll shrug and say, “It just seemed funny.”
1. Monica Geller
Is this even a question? It’ll drive Monica up the wall that your kid isn’t using gloves when serving other people. She’ll notice that the pitcher has no lid which is surely attracting bugs. She will feel it’s her supreme duty as a restaurateur and chef to point out these health code violations. It’s no use trying to argue with her either. She wants to teach your kid a “valuable” lesson. Don’t even try looking at Chandler for help on this one. He’s too busy pretending he doesn’t know her.