The holidays are a time of family, reflection, and raw-doggin’ in the back of the sleigh. And what better mood music to get your nipple juices flowing than the musical genre that perfected the double-entendre!? If you think about it, sex really is the reason for the season, so here are 69 Christmas songs ranked by how horny they are.
69. Eartha Kitt “Santa Baby”
Nothing says, “All I want for Christmas is St. Nick’s lap meat,” like the thirstiest song you’ll hear in the grocery store. You were shopping for frozen shrimp, but now you’re horny for men with white beards, too. Eartha Kitt knew what she wanted, and that confidence is HOT.
68. Gene Autry “Frosty the Snowman”
There’s something about being ghosted by a dude who can’t afford to dress himself that really turns people on. Frosty may not stay long enough to know your name, but he knew how to look good on his way out the door. They say you’ll never forget finding your first magic silk hat that turns a lifeless pile of snow into a sex machine that will disappear the second after he nuts.
67. John Lennon “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”
This dysfunctional Christmas song protesting the Vietnam War has the sexual tension of an ill-timed “u up?” text. Sure, you’re tired, but isn’t it nice to know that the couple you met candle shopping is thinking about you? Begrudgingly pop a boner pill and be ready to drive the sleigh because some guy is expecting you to rail his girlfriend in less than thirty minutes.
66. Dean Martin “Winter Wonderland”
Walkin’ in a winter wonderland used to be the code word my professor would use when her husband was out of town. Every time I hear this song, I think of her leathery musk, her thick, white back hair, and how erotic it was to help her grade papers at the dining room table instead of visiting my family for the holidays.
65. Gene Autry “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Rudolph was a submissive sideshow freak who flourished when his dom lifted those sweaty black boots just high enough to let a little red light out. So hot.
64. Bing Crosby “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
I love coming home for Christmas because my step-sister is too hot, bro. Everybody loves to make fun of that Folgers commercial, but that is my literal wet dream. I’m so home for Christmas that I just live at home with my mom and step-dad the other 364 days of the year, too. It’s weird she doesn’t come over any day other than Christmas, but one day I’ll get her to say, “You’re my present,” and put a bow on me. And then we’ll totally bone.
63. Bobby Helms “Jingle Bell Rock”
When you spend most of your time off stage in sex clubs, the weather isn’t the only thing snowin’ and blowin’–if you know what I’m sayin’. Legend has it that Bobby Helms would giddy up jingle horse and pick up his feet with a bridle and saddle anywhere, any time if you asked for a ride in his one-horse sleigh.This man was very horny for horses.
62. Beach Boys “Little Saint Nick”
There’s something about a four-foot, greased up Santa Claus running wild through my no-rules, bisexual cuckfest of a relationship that really gives me the Christmas spirit. The Beach Boys flexed their kink pride in JFK’s America, and I am there for it every time my wife buys Vaseline and starts kissing mall Santas.
61. Elvis Presley “Blue Christmas”
This calamitous sex jam sounds like it was performed by a drunk raccoon, but there’s something about a guy whining over an acoustic guitar that makes you realize that sometimes even famous people don’t know how to hit and quit.
60. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”
This song sounds like an office Christmas in a Cajun karaoke bar. When Dylan says, “Ho, ho, ho,” like a lecherous derelict, you can hear young professionals shouting wild confessions at each other because they’re drunk in work clothes at 10 p.m. on a Thursday. Play this at your office party and HR will be approving multiple maternity leaves before the end of next year.
59. Jose Feliciano “Feliz Navidad”
Something about a bilingual person’s lowered chances of getting Alzheimer’s or dementia does it for me. You mean to tell me you know two languages and will be more likely to remain a stable and loving companion for the remainder of our time on this strange plane of existence? Kiss me while we’re still young!
58. Perry Como and The Fontane Sisters “It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas”
Polyamorous megastar Perry Como’s biggest holiday hit happened when he recorded a song with his three girlfriends. The sexual tension Como and the Fontane Sisters caught on tape is still palpable all these years later. You can almost hear the loving admiration and respect each member of this sexual rectangle had for one another.
57. Nat King Cole “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”
This is the first holiday number to celebrate a homosexual orgy. Why else did those merry gentlemen need so much rest? Tidings of comfort and joy, indeed.
56. *NSYNC “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
This little bop by the late ’90s thrust bunch *NSYNC was pure dick-wiggling fun. The beat was catchy, the singing pretty wholesome, and everyone listening to the song was compelled to dry hump the lifelong best friend they were secretly crushing on–even if they were in their local GAP clothing store!
55. Ariana Grande “Santa Tell Me”
This song follows the love affair between a racially-ambiguous-presenting woman and Santa Claus. All Ms. Grande wants is for Santa would leave Mrs. Claus, move to Los Angeles, and let her straddle him on the chair in the mall. Love was never really an option, but Santa has no problem leaving a few non-committal presents in her stockings every Christmas Eve.
54. Bing Crosby “Little Drummer Boy”
Bing Crosby was known for throwing the best sex parties. The lyrics are actually about Crosby trying to hire a rhythm section for his next get-together. He just happened to throw in the birth of Christ to make sure he really got the players he wanted. Everybody knows a good sex party is better with a steady beat!
53. Mannheim Steamroller “Carol of the Bells”
There’s just something about a neo-classical electronic version of a beloved Christmas song that really makes you want to undo the top button of your shirt and ask out your crush. Sure, they’ll say, “EW! YOU’RE WEARING TOO MUCH COLOGNE!” and “PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I THROW UP!” but they’ll never take your confidence away.
52. Chuck Berry “Run Rudolph Run”
Want to know why Rudolph ran like that? He got a text from his girlfriend that said, “My parents aren’t home. Cum over when you can.” This is the classic story of a boy racing against the clock to see his lady before mom and dad get off work. We’ve all been there.
51. Celine Dion “O Holy Night”
Any time Celine Dion comes on, you know an older woman is about to plow. The sultry tones and lusty tempo of this loin-roasting diddy unleashes a ravenous sensuality that pushes women to the brink of sexual insanity. Play this song with caution unless you absolutely want a woman that remembers Ronald Reagan being the president to desperately paw at your belt.