25. Jackson 5 “Up on the House Top”
The most magical part of Christmas is the moment when a partner is willing to go all the way in on the role playing. The Jackson kids thought they were hearing Santa on the roof, but it was really just some complicated sex stuff. Sure, “Uncle” Nick only came around after they all went to bed and would leave little presents behind, but it had nothing to do with Christmas. That’s just what you do when a consulting adult loves being a non-committal third in a sexual relationship.
24. Bing Crosby, The Andrews Sisters “Mele Kalikimaka”
Nothing is more erotic than the volcanic splooshing Bing Crosby caused your great aunt whenever his Velveeta-coated baritone rang through her skirt. “Mele Kalikimaka” made her think of the deep blues of the Pacific Ocean and Bing Crosby’s notoriously huge dick and how she’d give up every Christmas for the rest of her life if only she could kiss those big fat lips of his one time. This song is sexy AND romantic.
23. Justin Bieber “Mistletoe”
Golden-era Justin Bieber had the kind of sex appeal that could only be compared to a new H&M in the mall. This food court strip anthem made even the surliest of security guards want to show off their sparkly skivvies. JCPenney prohibits the song to be played in their stores because the line, “‘Cause I am feelin’ one thing / Your lips on my lips,” is known to make every person in the women’s shoe section spontaneously 69.
22. Mickey & His Friends “Deck the Halls”
Mickey & the gang were on the level. They all knew that the only way to make the season jolly is to blur the lines between friends and lovers, to accept that polyamory is not the enemy of a trusting relationship, and to always be discreet. Decorating your house is only fun if you know that there’s going to be hella cartoon ass coming over later.
21. Trans-Siberian Orchestra “O Come All Ye Faithful / O Holy Night”
This hedonist romp in the sack details the time a guy came as hard as Ol’ Faithful because he had a buttplug in his hole all night. How the fuck is this a Christmas song?!
20. Glee Cast “The First Noel”
The only thing that could make a song about a bunch of farmers fucking in a field hornier is if you made high schoolers sing about it. You just know they’re all thinking about how deep the night could be if only they weren’t grounded. But high schoolers are desperate enough to risk getting grounded for another month by sneaking out to find those elusive field-fucking farmers hoping they can get in on the action.
19. Michael Bublé “Silent Night”
This is the song of the world’s horniest new father. Defeated and joyless because of all the diapers and bottles, this man is PUSHING to get that holy infant–tender and mild–to sleep so he can finally end this four-month dry spell. It’s pretty clear Daddy needs a silent night so he can hole mom all night. And before you identify with this experience too hard, just know that this song was written by your dad and performed to you so he could smash your mom. ME-OW.
18. Wham! “Last Christmas”
Last Christmas George Michael gave you his heart. This Christmas, he’s sending a stranger unsolicited dick pics and a PornHub playlist. This holiday tune is a last-ditch effort to save a dying relationship by turbocharging it with a healthy dose of jealousy. It’s sad, but the storyline has the potential to be adapted into the very first X-rated Hallmark movie.
17. Frank Sinatra “Jingle Bells”
Known cock and ball torture fanatic Frank Sinatra performed this song naked from the waist down with a mouse trap clamped to his member. While the song itself is pretty vanilla, Sinatra’s rendition is pure sex.
16. Josh Groban “What Child Is This?”
Josh Groban may sing like a eunuch in a new-age cult, but he definitely slaps the ham. If Groban couldn’t swing the salami, why would some woman present him with a child demanding support payments? What child is this, Mary?! Josh doesn’t know! But let’s get one thing straight: a neutered man cannot sire a child in a manger. My guy may sing weird, but Josh Groban can thrust like a rocket.
15. Bing Crosby “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
Bing Crosby’s breeding kink is in full view every December. You might think the child he’s singing about is Jesus of Nazareth, but you’d be wrong. Ol’ Creampie Crosby is actually crooning about the hundreds of illegitimate children the Lord bestowed upon him across this vast nation. Just know that if a man with an onomatopoeia for a first name asks if he can buy you an eggnog under the mistletoe, be sure you’re packin’ prophylactics.
14. Ella Fitzgerald “Sleigh Ride”
Who among us hasn’t fantasized of taking an ass-naked sleigh ride through the park? Sure, it’s illegal, but Ella Fitzgerald did it, and she wrote a sexy song about it! Ella would be, like, 328 years old if she were alive today which is why she was burned at the stake for being a witch. Pretty sure I read that on Quora. She was truly horny ahead of her time.
13. Andy Williams “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
We all know why it’s the most wonderful time of the year: being wine drunk at a family get-together and telling everyone about how successful your open relationship is. In certain circles, “mistlehoeing” is what you do when your hearts are glowing and your non-blood-related, open-minded, attractive loved ones are near. It’s the most wonderful time of the year for difficult-to-explain pregnancies as well. Be like Andy Williams and glove up when “friends” come to call!
12. Perry Como “Here We Come a-Caroling / We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
Caroling is one thing, but caroling the Perry Como way required leather straps, restraints, and blindfolds. Every year, Mr. Como would lead a group of leather-thonged carolers through the streets of Canonsburg, Pennsylvania. Homeowners were often shocked and excited by the sight of thick thighs, nipple clamps, and harnesses. However, they were usually underwhelmed by the singing because ball gags can make enunciation very difficult.
11. John Denver, The Muppets “Twelve Days of Christmas”
Rarely did Mr. Bluebird on My Shoulder ever share his furry side with the public. But for just this song, John Denver’s palpable attraction to sexy costumes covered in gigantic eyeballs and weird purple fingers pulsed through the gentle strokes of his acoustic guitar. He didn’t have to say he fucked Miss Piggy and Janice because his smile said it all.
10. Trans-Siberian Orchestra “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24”
This song is audio Viagra. The slightest hint of the tasty licks within this most triumphant Christmas song makes most men feel thicker and fuller than the yule log in their fireplace. “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” is so erotic it isn’t allowed to be played within 50 feet of an Applebee’s because the dining room will transform into a heaving mass of sweaty desire ramming and slamming every which way. Once it starts, the only thing you can do is to keep the Dollaritas flowing until everyone passes out in a puddle of their own goo.
9. Elvis Presley “Santa Claus Is Back in Town”
Before Elvis, there were absolutely zero songs about Santa Claus’s sexual desires. Thankfully, the horniest man Mississippi ever produced solved that problem for all of us. “Santa Claus Is Back in Town” tells the erotic tale of Santa Claus nailing his old lady after being locked up for an extended period of time, and we are all more in the holiday mood because of it.
8. Nat King Cole “Joy To the World”
The lyrics to this song are, and I quote, “the Lord has cum,” and “let Earth receive her king.” For a religious song about humanity’s savior being sent to Earth by an omnipotent, reality-shaping entity, it really knows how to turn up the heat.
7. Frank Sinatra, Dorothy Kirsten “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
Frank says a lot of words without saying, “This usually doesn’t happen. I’m probably just too drunk or something! Just wait a little bit, and I’ll be good to go, okay?” Pretty surprising Pfizer, Hims, or BetterHelp have never used this song in a commercial yet. Nothing says “happy holidays!” like “I am too drunk to perform and too creepy to let you leave!”
6. Burl Ives “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”
To state the obvious, a rum-drunk derelict just casually asks the song’s protagonist to kiss a woman FOR him. You know this gravy-breathed, AARP Magazine subscriber isn’t looking for just a peck, either. He wants a little tongue.
5. John Mellencamp “I Saw Mommy Kissin’ Santa Claus”
Everybody loves a good MILF, including your mom–who is probably much more bisexual than you give her credit for. I’m assuming this is a step-mom scenario because who would watch their mom fondle a stranger? I have no idea if John “suckin’ on chilli dogs” Mellencamp had a hot step-mom, but rumor has it that the “Mom” and Santa get a lot more freaky in the demo version of this song.
4. Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”
This version of “Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town” is an aphrodisiac to anyone from New Jersey. Any Springsteen song about a man that will never be late to work or quit his job makes every nipple in the Garden State harder than a candy cane. Santa’s a hardworkin’ man, and he deserves to be fucked like a mechanic that came home with overtime pay.
3. Michael Bublé “Holly Jolly Christmas”
There’s no doubt that this song is being sung by Michael Bublé directly to you. This lusty maniac cannot contain his love because there’s simply too much of it for one person to absorb. Bublé is a polyamorous werewolf incapable of controlling his libido during the holiday season. Beware–lest your pants become the next present he unwraps!
2. Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmastime”
The mood IS right for a certain velvet-skinned Beatle to get drunk enough to receive his annual Christmas spanking. When the moon is up and spirits are high, you can hear McCartney cahooing “Ding Dong Ding OOOOOOOOOOO!” until Santa comes down the chimney to deliver one last fat smack on the ass.
1. Mariah Carey “All I Want for Christmas Is You”
Love it or hate it, you know all the words by heart. What you don’t know is that the song is actually about a vibrator Mariah lost in her divorce with Sony Music executive Tommy Mottola. Anyone that thought a fully grown woman wanted a man for Christmas when sex toys exist has their head in the sand.