50. Straight No Chaser “12 Days of Christmas”
An acapella group singing this song while also teasing several other Christmas songs AND Toto’s “Africa,” is mega horny. These are the kind of dudes that would jump into a port-a-potty to get a girl’s iPhone and then ask if she wants to go home with him. This isn’t a song, it’s a pick-up line–an invitation to hook up with them in their childhood bedroom while they’re home for Christmas break.
49. Johnny Mathis “We Need a Little Christmas”
This song is the yuletide equivalent of “Basic Instinct.” We hear the erotic story of a man waiting in his skimpiest jammies hoping to seduce anyone that comes down his chimney. He needs a little Christmas right this very minute more than ever because he has difficulty connecting with his peers. Out of desperation, this maniac has turned to seducing Santa or an unlucky elf or two because he can no longer bear the pain of being alone.
48. Bing Crosby, Carol Richards “Silver Bells”
This is the only Christmas song about Bing Crosby’s streaking habit. Bing was notoriously free with his body and got a crooked thrill subjecting holidaygoers to the ghastly site of his gnarled buttocks. But why call it silver bells, you ask? Just know that before takeoff, Mr. Crosby applied a coat of silver paint to his Liberty Bell and ran in such a way that caused the most… ringing.
47. The Drifters “White Christmas”
Can you believe these perverts? A white Christmas? Who has that much jam? Who wants to make a treetop glisten? Who is that horny for trees? This song is so chock full of hormones it’s a crime against nature.
46. Judy Garland “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
In Hollywood, Judy Garland was known for two things: “The Wizard of Oz” and her insatiable appetite for men. When she sang “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” she was rumored to have a stack of erotic photos on her music stand instead of her sheet music. Those faithful friends she was pining for were actually the men in the photos. And trust me, those men were never not near or dear to her, she just needed to give herself some plausible deniability.
45. Darlene Love “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
The first draft of this song actually referred to the man in question as daddy rather than baby. The X-rated original lyrics told the story of a relationship filled with forbidden carnal pleasure. This man knew how to send Darlene to the outer reaches of desire which is why the lyrics are 50% what you say when you’re within ten seconds of climax.
44. Vince Guaraldi Trio “Linus and Lucy”
Vince Guaraldi was a known lothario, and this song is chock full of his masculine, discipline daddy musk. Listen to those piano runs and tell me he couldn’t absolutely do a number on you. Oh, you’re not into guys? The man making whimsical Christmas jazz for a 1960s cartoon would like to buy you a drink.
43. The Tabernacle Choir “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”
Nothing makes you hornier than being told sex before marriage will turn you into an exploding pile of dog shit in the wind. Because of their intense faith, this stacked group of ass-closers creates music to make spiritually-enriching matrimonial love to. The Rolling Stones look like teenagers compared to this group of deviants raised in the sex capital of the world: Salt Lake City, Utah.
42. Thurl Ravenscroft “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”
The Grinch was a mean one, and that’s exactly how Thurl Ravenscroft liked it. He was on the hunt for a grumpy dom coated in a thick coat of greasy, green hair–the more repulsive the better! The man who was also the voice of Tony the Tiger clearly had a thing for powerful, hairy man-beasts, and we are not here to judge.
41. Perry Como “(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays”
Sexual debutante Perry Como wrote this song about his favorite sex club–not about a nostalgic longing for his dumbass hometown. Home–located in the mountains of eastern PA–can only be accessed with the password “pumpkin pie.” If you want to be happy in 69 ways for the holidays, you can’t beat Home… sweet… Home.
40. Elvis Presley “Here Comes Santa Claus (Right down Santa Claus Lane)”
Even if “Santa Claus Lane” wasn’t slang for anal, this track oozes sexual liberation in other ways. The lyrics are a laundry list of the reasons Santa Claus should be regarded as a bisexual icon up there with the likes of Chuck Tingle. Santa has a bag of toys–and probably lube. Santa doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor–as long as that ass is thicc. And Santa loves you–probably more than you do yourself. Yow! Who has a smoke?!
39. Brenda Lee “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Most people don’t know that everyone dancin’ in the new old-fashioned way coincided with the invention of the thong. This new approach to dance in question involved a very quiet sort of sexuality that was completely secret. Couples would stand scandalously close to one another knowing that one or both of them was exposing their outer ass to the inside of their pants. It was a different time. Being shot a meaningful glance used to be the equivalent of getting an unsolicited nude.
38. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers “Christmas All Over Again”
This song is sex-positive with really healthy boundaries. When addressing the pesky distant relatives that are inevitably thrown in the holiday mix, Petty croons, “Yeah, I kind of missed ‘em / I just don’t wanna kiss ‘em.” When considering the lover he brought to this event he coyly plays his cards, “Put your body next to mine / Under the mistletoe we go.” Yeah. This song fucks–but not cousins.
37. Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
This ’80s supergroup fondled the idea that Christmas songs should be warm and jolly and made this rock-hard sci-fi track instead. Initial renderings of the cover for the single included a sexy, alien Santa in a super-tight red suit making a suggestive, “Come to me,” finger wag. Sting, George Michael, Bono, Phil Collins, and the gang weren’t interested in the missionary Christmas sexuality of the past; they were prepared to make Christmas the kinky, erotic sensual playground of the future.
36. Vince Guaraldi Trio “Christmas Time Is Here”
Christmas time is here which means the nation’s high schoolers are preparing to dry hump each other to the point of chafing. Under the light of their parents’ Christmas tree, “Christmastime Is Here” is more than a sweet, gentle diddy about the most wholesome elements of the Advent season. It’s the background noise playing while two denim-clad youths grind out the most uncomfortable orgasm imaginable.
35. The Jackson 5 “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”
You know who else is making a list and checking it twice? Your exhibitionist aunt that always has a charity cam show on Christmas Eve. Aunt Lydia is always making sure she knows who will be there and what their special requests are. Aunty L’s been bringing joy to the world for so long, this song was inspired by her. Santa Claus comes to your town every year to find out which freaks are tuning into her performances. Viewing “Aunt Lydia Does the North Pole for Charity” is literally the first criteria for being on the naughty list.
34. Eagles “Please Come Home for Christmas”
In the back of a black Trans Am on an ill-fated Christmas Eve, your mom lost her virginity to this holiday classic. All these years later, the song still reminds the woman that gave you life how hard a high school wrestler made her cum in the parking lot of a Christmas tree farm. “Bells will be ringing this sad, sad news,” still makes her daydream about the time a guy named Snake filled her with the Christmas spirit.
33. Frank Sinatra “Let It Snow!”
Watching the snow in a dimly lit room sounds like only one thing is about to happen: anal. Sinatra said the lights are turned way down low–but not so low he couldn’t see what his partner was workin’ with. That said, the most empowering part of this song is knowing that at the end, ol’ boy gets kicked out and doesn’t get to be the little spoon. So what seemed like a song about a dude getting what he wanted is actually a song about a woman getting what she wanted from a powerful man and then GTFO when she was done with him. Feminism.
32. Nat King Cole “The Christmas Song”
When the working title “Getting Raw-dogged on Christmas” was shot down, Nat King Cole went vanilla to sell records. Music historians have confirmed the beloved opening lines of this song evoking chestnuts and Jack Frost were actually about Nat King Cole’s foot fetish and ejaculation preferences. Once you know the history of the song, you’ll wonder what you have to do to get Jack Frost–a code name for one of Nat King Cole’s most historically discreet hookup partners–nipping at your nose, too.
31. Tom Hanks “Hot Chocolate”
While not an ultra-traditional Christmas ditty, every parent knows when “The Polar Express” comes on, out comes the titty. Despite the song’s mediocrity, parents rejoice that they’ve got a few minutes to bang their significant other in a bedroom 20 feet away. While their brain-dead child watches cursed Tom Hanks CGI gyrate and howl, parents are doing the same thing in their room. It’s a holiday miracle!
30. Elmo & Patsy “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer”
Grandma wasn’t run over by a reindeer–she was killed! It was a crime of passion, and Rudolph was framed! The truth is that Grandpa couldn’t contain his rage when he caught Grandma reverse cowgirling Earl Ray Jr. from the Pharmacy just hours before the big Christmas party. The weird thing? Grandpa kinda liked it, but he knew being a cuck would tarnish his good name.
29. Simone Sommerland, Karsten Glück und die Kita-Frösche “O Tannenbaum”
There is nothing more sensual than the sound of a German woman singing about her bush. This pubic anthem features sexy lines like “Wie grün sind deine Blätter / Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,” which evokes images of sugar plums and tight, curly European sex blankets. If you pair Simone Sommerland’s ultimate underwear remover and candlelight, you will increase the likelihood of conception significantly, so don’t listen to this song with anyone you’re related to. You’ve been warned.
28. Burl Ives “Silver and Gold”
Marathon man Burl Ives wrote the only holiday tune about the power of a cock ring. Silver OR gold, you can’t go wrong as long as it’s on your Christmas tree! Your partner will appreciate your reduced refractory period because Christmas isn’t complete until everybody gets one in the stockings!
27. Run-D.M.C. “Christmas in Hollis”
Run-D.M.C., the man you found in the park was not actually Santa Claus. That was actually known public masturbator Claude Santos. Why else do you think he was in the park so late? Also, why else would he bail so quickly unless he was afraid of getting caught–even though it’s secretly what he wants the most.
26. Donny Hathaway “This Christmas”
“You are cleared to land your meat jet on the pink runway,” is the desired outcome of this Christmas tune. All the Christmas elements are a facade meant to make your December hookup forget the horrors of buying a Christmas present for a new partner. Play “This Christmas” when you’re ready to make frantic, three-minute love that will be extremely embarrassing before the next song even starts. Then, spend the rest of the night panic-buying presents on Amazon.