Dad. He is just the goddamn worse. It’s like, why do we even have this guy?
We’ve all seen characters in film and television that make us think “I wish that guy was my dad instead of my insufferable garbage fire of a father.” For you maybe it’s Robin Williams or David Attenborough. For me, the bar is much lower.
I’ve seen a lot of slasher movies and I would trade my dad for the killer in pretty much all of them. Here’s the top 50 deranged killers I would rather have to call one Sunday every June instead of my old man.
50. Harry Powell “Night of the Hunter”
He’s manipulative. He’s opportunistic. He’s a psychopathic charlatan and a hypocrite. Powell is a lot like my dad honestly, and only outranks him because he has tattoos.
49. Henry “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer”
At least if Henry was your dad it would all be over fast.
48. Ed Cooper “The Mutilator”
He hates his son because he accidentally killed his mother. At least he has a good reason for being crazy and hating his kid. The beef with my dad goes back to a television remote I broke in 1989. I was 4.
47. Horace Pinker “Shocker”
Pretty crappy to his son throughout the movie, but my own dad has scarred me more with a lot less electricity superpowers.
46. Jack Torrence “The Shining”
It took months of cold mountain isolation, alcohol withdrawal, and paranormal influence to get Jack to cave to his murderous impulses. For my dad, it took a screen door closing too loudly.
45. Bill “Intruder”
He would literally kill just to keep his grocery store open. Anyone that dedicated to workaholism is hiding from a pretty dysfunctional home life. Still, he’s a provider.
44. Alan Santini “Opera”
He’ll try to make you watch him kill people for sexual gratification, but he’ll never try to make you watch the New York Mets.
43. Billy “Silent Night Deadly Night”
Okay, he kills people, but hey, he dresses up as Santa for Christmas! When we asked Dad to do it he said “only pedos do that.”
42. Jerry Blake “The Stepfather”
If there is a creature on this earth capable of being worse than a father can be, it’s a stepfather, but at least Jerry has the decency to sever ties with his secret past family before hitching up with yours. My dad took way too many “business trips” for a guy living off a disability scam.
41. Cropsy “The Burning”
Growing up my dad was pretty much constantly on the verge of murdering us all with a pair of hedge trimmers, and he damn sure wasn’t going to take us on a fun day at the lake first.
40. Leatherface
Leatherface is misunderstood. We all think of him as this wild skin wearing maniac, but the guy wears an apron. He has a methodical process. He’s a craftsman. He’s probably just looking to take someone under his wing and show them the ropes.
39. Billy Lenz “Black Christmas”
What’s scarier than the calls coming from inside the house? How about the calls not coming at all for huge lengths of time? Dad, did you really need 6 months and all the rent money to go get a 6 pack from the corner store?
38. Norman Bates “Psycho”
Psycho 4 ends with Norman burning down the motel and declaring himself free and ready to settle down and start a family. He does have a track record of relapse, but there was never Psycho 5 so maybe he made it.
37. Frank Zito “Maniac”
He’s slow to warm up, but once he murders you, scalps you, and uses your scalp and clothes to decorate a mannequin, he’s your best friend.
36. Freddy Kruger
There’s no nightmare Freddy Krueger could throw my way scarier than that one I keep having about running into my dad at a race track and he’s not wearing any shoes. I dunno I can’t really describe it but it’s terrifying.
35. Mark Lewis “Peeping Tom”
I would fully accept my dad’s serial killing if he at least had an appreciation for the arts.
34. Irving Wallace “StageFright”
My dad realistically would probably not lock himself in a theater to stalk and kill a troupe of young actors, but he would also never wear an owl mask for fun so, you know, give/take.
33. The Candyman “Candyman”
He has a descendant in the third one and he takes an interest in her life. It’s primarily an interest in convincing her to kill in his name, but it’s an interest.
32. The Blissfield Butcher “Freaky”
Having lived life as a woman for 24 hours must have given him at least a higher level of insight than the man who explained to me that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
31. John Kramer “Saw”
His methods are unorthodox and dangerous with a pretty low success rate, but at the end of the day, he wants you to learn a valuable life lesson, not get him another beer.
30. Conrad Straker “The Funhouse”
The scene where he yells at his mutant son for overpaying the hooker because he could have gotten him a cheaper hooker contains more familial warmth than any memory I have.