29. Adelaide of the Pasture “Over the Garden Wall” (2014)
Adelaide’s master plan in “Over the Garden Wall” is to blackmail Beatrice into bringing her a “child slave.” She later elaborates that she plans to “fill their heads with wool, they’ll be just like little sheep.” Clearly, she has some interest in how the brain works. But even though I think she’d support other people going, she probably wouldn’t go herself. And she has the general vibe of a gossipy church-lady, which means that if she finds out you go to therapy, all of her friends find out as well.
28. The Beldam “Coraline” (2009)
The Beldam (aka, the Other Mother) is the type of parents who is, at least, vocally supportive of her kids going to therapy. As long as they aren’t sitting there blaming her. And as long as she can throw barbs at them for being “crazy” in arguments.
27. Alexia “Titane” (2021)
Alexia has had a complicated life. As a child she was in a car accident that required a metal plate to be put in her head. As an adult, she has become an erotic dancer and model who performs at auto-shows, commits the occasional nocturnal murder, has intercourse with cars, becomes pregnant with the car’s baby, goes undercover as a boy to evade the law and (rounding third, heading to home) gives birth to a car child. Alexia needs therapy very badly. And she could probably be convinced to go, but she does give the vibe of someone who needs to win at therapy. And that’s no way to better yourself.
26. Godzilla “Godzilla” (1954)
Godzilla has a lot of baggage to work through. It is awfully difficult being a metaphor for the trauma of post-WWII Japan, after all. He’s a big guy, who can typically throw his weight at any problem, while still finding time to do ad-work for Taco Bell in the ‘90s. But he’s not against therapy. He’s just scared of the stigma that would follow him if everyone knew.
25. Pamela Voorhees “Friday the 13th” (1980)
With her iconic sweater and calm manner of speech, Pamela Voorhees would’ve likely made an exceptional therapist if the cosmic dice had rolled a bit differently. Pamela’s rage against the counselors of Camp Crystal Lake is understandable. After all, they were doing the no-pants dance while her son drowned. She very badly needs therapy, but moreover, there’s this. Voorhees is, of course, a Dutch name. And there’s a… certain plant that’s quite popular in Holland that we think would be even more helpful to her. Look at her. You just know she could make some dynamite pot brownies.
24. Leatherface “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974)
Don’t get us wrong, Leatherface wishes he could seek therapy, he really does. He knows he needs it. A survivor of an abusive home, the witness to his brother’s gruesome death by semi-truck, and a dead-ringer for Gary Busey in that interview where he kept talking about sausage, Leatherface is a testament to the lack of adequate mental health care faced by many rural Americans living in poverty.
23. John Kramer (Jigsaw) “Saw” (2004)
Like many fanatics, Jigsaw was motivated by compounding tragedies in his life: the tragic miscarriage of his wife, the diagnosis of a brain tumor, fake cancer cures and utterly corrupt insurance adjusters. It’s really no wonder John Kramer went off the deep end. He could benefit from therapy, tremendously, but he’s also so self-defeating he might stomp his feet and declare himself a “lost cause.”
22. Erik (The Phantom) “Phantom of the Opera” (1925)
Oh God, this dude. The Phantom is the kind of bunker-bound incel that takes that “two inches of jawbone” or whatever the fuck is it, meme and runs with it. It’s like, dude, I’m sorry you’re fuck ugly. But there’s lots of fuck ugly people out there. Timothée Chalamet looks like a chihuahua that got the Rachel, but he’s still widely regarded as one of the best-looking young stars in Hollywood. Go out there, take a cooking class, read some bell hooks, stop acting like the living embodiment of the song “Stan.”
21. Madame Blanc “Suspiria” (1977/2018)
Here’s where it gets complicated. The Madames Blanc of the Dario Argento original and the Luca Guadagnino remake. The O.G. Blanc doesn’t like thinking about therapy. Or problem in general. If you tried to talk to her about psychiatry, she would say: “That’s nice, dear.” And then walk away. She belongs closer to the late 30s on this list. 21st Century Madame Blanc is a little bit different. The ultimate gaslight-gatekeep-girlboss, toxic performing arts teacher, Madame Blanc is the type who recommends that her students go to therapy whenever they have minor issues, but “doesn’t need to go” herself.