20. Super Soaker
Unlike its foam cousin, the Super Soaker could actually do some real damage with the right liquid inside of it. Our cousin used to know a guy who would fill it full of pee and spray it at people in the park. Sure, hydrochloric acid would be more deadly, but if some random dude sprayed me with a super soaker full of pee in a park I’d probably welcome death’s embrace.
19. Monopoly
Honestly the serial killer won’t even have to do anything, it can just sit there and watch while your family tears itself apart because your $1,100 Illinois Ave rent bankrupted your Mother-in-Law on her birthday. Then when there’s only one survivor left, it can finish you off with the Top Hat.
18. Musical Jolly Chimp
This thing is extremely unpleasant to look at, listen to, and generally be around. But maybe he’s just misunderstood? We shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, I’ll just say hello and — oh God, never mind, the cover was extremely accurate.
17. Hot Wheels
Hot Wheels cars are dangerous enough, but have you ever been whipped by the sharp side of a Hot Wheels track? You’ll be begging for the sweet release of a high-speed cast iron car passing through your skull.
16. Sky Dancers/Dragon Flyz
You can definitely survive this one, if you don’t launch it. I know it’s tempting, but if you pull that cord, you have no idea the danger you’re putting the entire city in and — you pulled the cord, didn’t you? Well you’d better hope that thing catches a gust of wind and sails aimlessly into a power line and explodes, because otherwise the serial killer is going to be raining hell down upon you with the laser precision of a drone strike.
15. Trampoline
Honestly this one wasn’t even the serial killer’s fault, trampolines are just straight up dangerous. A regular human serial killer showed up to kill us, but he snapped his femur in half falling off this death trap after we dared him to do a triple backflip. We almost threw up while rushing him to the hospital — that shit was so fucked up we could barely stomach uploading it to YouTube.
14. Sock’em Boppers
You slide these boxing balloons onto your fists, ready for a lighthearted rumble. But in your ear a faint voice whispers, ‘stop hitting yourself.’ You recoil in shock as an uppercut lands on your jaw. ‘Stop hitting yourself,’ you hear again as a flurry of blows cause your eyes to bleed. The voice repeats its command again and again, until the wet thud from the blows is only ended by the deafening sound of your body collapsing on the floor. More fun than a pillow fight!
13. Barbie
Barbie’s arms and legs lack the articulation to do much harm to you directly, but the body image issues you’ll develop while being held captive by the ‘Malibu Mind Mauler’ will continue to do damage for years to come. Your phony Ozempic prescription might help you slim down enough to escape your physical cage, but your mind will be trapped in its own pink prison forever.
12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pizza Thrower
Every Christmas we begged our parents, wrote to Santa Claus and wished upon a shooting star that we’d wake up and find the Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower under the Christmas tree — well be careful what you wish for, because now we’ve got a half dozen razor-sharp pizza discs lodged in our torso and the box says it’s got six more in the chamber. Cowabummer, dude.
11. Teddy Ruxpin
You’re screwed, but if it makes you feel better Teddy Ruxpin will be found dead in prison months later after being labeled a snitch.
10. Lawn Darts
These things were recalled for a reason — the Lawn Darts yearn for human flesh. Who thought this was a good idea? Was the executive at Hasbro that greenlit this toy a serial killer, too?
9. Crossfire
Bring it on. If we’re going to go out, we’re going out on our shield battling our serial killer to a banging soundtrack in the glorious gladiatorial tradition of ball-bearing-based combat. See you in Valhalla, motherfucker. Crossfiyaaaaah!
8. Razor Scooter
If you’ve ever taken one of these bastards to the shin, you know how lethal a Razor Scooter can be. We talked copious amounts of shit about these in the ’90s, but that only encourages this possessed menace from chopping you down like an oak tree and dragging your corpse to the nearest skate park, parading you around so everyone knows you got murdered by a scooter.
7. Dear Diary
Dear Diary was a mini-computer that had different tabs where you could write your diary, schedule, passwords, personal information, and even your darkest secrets. Can you imagine if you had an electronic device in your pocket that knew your every thought and desire, a machine that could know you better than you even know yourself? The damage it could do to you in the wrong hands would be incalculable. Thank God we don’t have anything like that today.
6. Stretch Armstrong
Okay, this one got a little weird. Some lanky blonde guy lured us into his van, and next thing we know we wake up in a pit with him looming over us. He’s holding his dog, Fetch Armstrong, yelling ‘it puts the corn syrup on its skin or else it gets the hose again.’ We finally managed to escape while he was posing in front of a mirror, wearing nothing but a speedo muttering ‘Would you stretch me? I’d stretch me. I’d stretch me so hard.’ Get the fuck out ASAP, or say ‘goodbye horses’ forever.
5. Bop-It
Stab it! Crush it! Maim it! This possessed puzzle toy has one fatal flaw that can save you – it telegraphs its every move. At first you’d be able to keep up, but as it speeds up with furious intensity your concentration would wear down until your frazzled nerves betrayed you. Before you know it, you’re beating yourself over the head with your own Bop-It, powerless to resist its every command. Kill it!
4. Mr. Potato Head
‘What’s this lame Mr. Potato Head going to do?’ you ask yourself. Well this sick son of a bitch is going to pluck out your eyes, nose, ears, and mouth and stab his own body parts into your face until you’re more Potato Head than person. Once he’s plugged all his pieces into your nervous system, he’ll pilot your body while you’re still conscious, rendering you unable to scream as he continues his grim killing spree with your bare hands.
3. Tonka Trucks
We’re not talking about the plastic bullshit they have nowadays, we’re talking about the old-school, indestructible cold-rolled steel death machines. If a serial killer possessed one of these bad boys, they could not only murder you with lethal efficiency, they could dig your grave and dispose of your body before anyone was the wiser. You’re trucked.
2. Furby
Furby has killed before, and Furby will kill again. And that was before it was possessed by a serial killer. You’re in mortal danger, and even if you set your house on fire and start over in a new town, Furby’s charred metallic skeleton will never stop chasing you. You’ll spend your remaining days hearing its feet skitter toward you, an eerie wail of Furbish beckoning you to the darkness. ‘Furby ay-tay yung-ay u-nye sku-nay, Furby may-tah u-nye nee-nee fay-uvay’ it will say. Translation? ‘Furby hungers for your skin, Furby kiss you night-night forever.’
1. Lego
These razor-sharp monstrosities have been destroying feet for decades. What do you think is going to happen when the soul of the Bricktown Mangler enters a 7,541 piece limited-edition Millenium Falcon Lego set and tries to murder you? Andy and his mom might have summoned the strength to burn Chucky in a fireplace, but do you honestly think you’d have the willpower to destroy something that cost you $900 and an entire 40-hour workweek to build? No, you’ll let the Lego slowly ground you to hamburger from the feet up.