Chucky is the gold standard for serial killer toys, slaughtering dozens of victims in creative fashion across decades of films. Whether he’s bashing a babysitter with a hammer ‘til she falls out a window, or tearing you apart limb from limb with your own voodoo doll, this lovable little homicidal scamp has captured the spleens of his victims, as well as our hearts. But that got us thinking: What if the soul of a serial killer like Charles Lee Ray had jumped into a different toy instead of a ‘Good Guy’ Doll? How screwed would you be?
Well the intrepid scumbags at The Hard Times were eager to find out. That’s why we’ve kidnapped a voodoo priest, searched morgues across the country for the finest serial killer cadavers, and stole dozens of old toys from local garage sales to test out this theory. Here are the 50 childhood toys ranked by how screwed you’d be if it was possessed by a serial killer.
50. Etch-a-Sketch
The Etch-a-Sketch was a pathetic toy that makes for an even more pathetic vessel for a serial killer. Even if it’s possessed, it’s going to be hard to feel in danger when the serial killer has to spend thirty minutes meticulously crafting the rounded edge on the D in ‘DIE’ to threaten you. Not to mention it had to start over after we shook it a bunch. You’ll be fine.
49. Tamagotchi
The bad news? This Tamagotchi contains the soul of infamous 1990s Japanese serial killer Kazuya Hiraguchi, a demented computer engineer who tore the hearts out of his victims and powered his computer with it. The good news? A generation of kids couldn’t keep a Tamagotchi alive for more than two days if their lives depended on it. And your life does, so all you need to do is neglect it, flush it, and move on. You’re good.
48. Slinky
I know what you’re thinking: under the cold, calculated control of a serial killer an old-school metal slinky could slash your throat, and a plastic one could at least wrap you up and strangle you like a boa constrictor. Fortunately it can only go downstairs, so we just walked up a couple flights and it was pretty harmless.
47. Nerf Football
Ah, Nerf footballs—everybody had one growing up, and for some reason they all had a bite taken out of them. The serial killer had a pretty tough time trying to bludgeon us to death with this pillowy polyurethane plaything, so as long as you can resist the urge to chomp down on the soft foam and choke on a piece of the toy, you’ll be ok.
46. My Little Pony
Even when possessed by a serial killer, these toys are completely harmless. My Little Pony fans on the other hand…just stay away from the Brony conventions.
45. Play-Doh
The Play-Doh Killer tried their best to dispatch us, but it was kind of difficult to tell what murder weapon they were trying to create. We think the killer was trying to fashion themselves into a shiv, but all the colors got mushed together and it turned this nasty green-brown color that looked like baby vomit. Not to mention it got all crusty, and there was a bunch of hair stuck in it — honestly, it was more gross than threatening.
44. Troll Dolls
Fun fact: every Troll doll actually does contain the wayward soul of a person who died under tragic circumstances, but statistically it’s unlikely that that person was also a serial killer. You’re more likely to get a Troll possessed by a trucker that nodded off at the wheel, or an old guy that fell in the shower. That old guy watched a lot of InfoWars though, so watch out for that.
43. Beanie Babies
Everyone has at least one Beanie Baby buried in their attic, and how much danger you’re in depends on the kind of Beanie Baby that gets possessed. Is it something benign like Chocolate the Moose or Flash the Dolphin? The serial killer is limited in the damage it can inflict. But God help you if you had one of those limited edition Henry Kissinger Beanie Babies.
42. Polly Pocket
Lizzie Borden took an axe, she gave her mother forty whacks, when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one. Lucky for you, Polly Pocket is less than an inch tall so it’ll be more of a papercut, but ouch.
41. Transformers
Imagine a serial killer stalking you that could assume the shape of anything. It could be your car waiting to run you down, or you could get mauled by what you thought was your beloved dog. Not to mention the original Megatron was an actual gun, and—oh, it turned into a…cassette tape player? Well that’s underwhelming. We’re just gonna list this one on eBay and let the ‘Soundwave Slaughterer’ be someone else’s problem.
40. Weird purple lightsaber toy mom hid in her dresser drawer?
That’s weird, did Mom forget to put this knock-off lightsaber under the Christmas tree? Honestly this toy sucks hard — it vibrates pretty fast at a couple different speeds, but nothing that could saw your head off or anything. You’d be fine if a serial killer possessed it, although for some reason we do feel a bit queasy while holding it.
39. Power Wheels
In the classic John Carpenter film ‘Christine,’ a sentient 1958 Plymouth Fury goes on a bloody rampage, killing a half-dozen people before finally being crushed into a cube in a junkyard. That’s pretty much how it went down with the Power Wheels, except this thing had ¼ horsepower and performed about as well as a Cybertruck when trying to overcome even the most modest of obstacles.
38. Tickle Me Elmo
Trust us, we thought Tickle Me Elmo would be higher on the list too, but once you get past the maniacal laughter this fuzzy red serial killer is all chuckle and no bite. It tried relentlessly to wrap his furry little hands around our necks, but it lacked the grip strength to cut off the oxygen and in the end, well — it just kinda tickled.
37. Tiger Electronics Handheld Games
If your family was too broke to afford a Gameboy like ours, these hunks of shit got you through a ton of road trips. Today there’s got to be millions of these things piled up in landfills across the country, slowly poisoning the groundwater with their plastic and electronic components. A few decades from now they’ll probably end up killing thousands, but you’ll already be dead at the hands of a superior toy by then.
36. GI Joe
You’d assume GI Joe’s military training would turn them into a lethal killing machine in the hands of a serial killer, but think of all the horrible ways we destroyed GI Joe growing up. These poor bastards were battered, beaten, melted, and blown up with fireworks in the line of duty. To them, you’re the serial killer hunting the serial killer, like the show Dexter. Honestly you’d be in more danger at the US Army enlisting table at your local community college.
35. Bionicle
With their softer, rounded edges, these things aren’t even close to as lethal as Lego, but still more dangerous than that shitty Duplo.
34. Nerf Gun
These neon-tipped foam darts aren’t going to do much unless you brandish the neon orange toy in front of a cop and they mistake it for a real gun, but honestly the same could be said for a wallet, keys, cellphone, headphones, a ham sandwich — anything really. Point is, we’d take our chances with the toy gun possessed by the serial killer.
33. Power Rangers Megazord
It’s going to take a while for all five Power Rangers to transform, summon their Zords, and then combine into the Megazord and murder us. So while we wait, what was up with the Dragonzord? Tommy summoned it by playing a dagger that he played like a flute. But he couldn’t blow air through the helmet, so does it work more like a keytar?
32. Ouija Board
Hold up, so the serial killer possesses the Ouija board, and then summons other ghosts to jump us and not do the dirty work itself? Kill us yourselves, you coward.
31. Yo-Yo
The only thing more embarrassing than being murdered by a possessed Yo-Yo was being asked on stage at an Elementary School assembly in the 90s featuring a full-time professional Yo-Yo champion who needed your cheers to summon the strength to land The Flying Trapeze through the power of Christ. That said, the ‘Flaying Trapeze’ would be a pretty sick name for a horror movie kill.
30. Jack in the Box
Time to crank open this unassuming novelty cube, I sure hope it doesn’t contain a surprise that might fatally exacerbate a preexisting health condition! Let’s see, no family history of heart disease? No asthma? Not even stress-induced eczema flare-ups? Well then, the soul of Jack the Ripper will just have to try again in 50 years when your failing body is a little more receptive to fatal scares, because this toy only has one trick up its stupid box.