29. Cabbage Patch Snacktime Doll
The insatiable appetite of the Cabbage Patch Snacktime Doll gobbled up fingers, hair, and who knows how many more appendages with its metallic jaws. The doll famously didn’t have a power switch, so it literally can’t stop until it’s consumed your entire body.
28. Easy Bake Oven
You’re lured in by the aroma of fresh baked cookies, but when you reach in for your tasty treat, the door slams shut on your hand. Do you hack your own hand off with the dull plastic spatula (accessory included), or do you suffer in agony as your hand is slowly undercooked over the next ten hours by an ancient incandescent light bulb?
27. Nickelodeon Gak
Nickelodeon’s discarded child stars that passed their expiration date were famously dissolved in Gak. Look it up, you know you always wondered what had happened to Omar Gooding. Anyway, you’d be screwed if Gak tried anything, but it’d take a while.
26. Lisa Frank
You awaken to a noise in your bedroom and turn on the lights, only to be immersed in a kaleidoscopic vomit of neon technicolor creeping up the walls of your room. You try to escape but can’t find the doorknob amidst the swirls of rainbow coral reefs and holographic dolphins. You look down and watch the vivid colors crawl slowly up your leg, until it’s made you a part of the colorful canvas forever.
25. Game Boy
These bastards are durable as hell—one famously survived the first Gulf War, so it can certainly endure whatever pathetic fight you put up against it. You can try to outlast its battery life, but at 10-15 hours your only chance for survival is if your Mom takes it away for bad behavior and puts it on top of the fridge where you can’t reach it until it dies.
24. Moon Shoes
You strap your feet in and bounce towards the heavens—you’ve never felt more alive! But your bouncing soon becomes uncontrollable, battering you against the walls and ceilings of your own house. Your ankles are shattered into a million pieces, but the bouncing never ceases. Your tattered body is dragged hop by hop, flopping toward the highway. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen anyone win a game of Frogger.
22. Rocking Horse
Two words: Horse Guillotine.
21. Operation
Do you want to play a game? Remove your own spleen, or you’ll be treated to 8,000 volts coursing through your body.