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45 Best Criterion Movies To Distract You While We Rob Your House

20. Weekend (2011)

Although I prefer my movies about a weekend to take place at Bernie’s, this one in a luxurious yet violent French countryside will do. It will either make you glad you aren’t driving in the French countryside which is good because our buddy hotwired your car.

19. The Blood Of A Poet (1932)

John Cocteau’s first part of the surreal masterpiece Orphic Trilogy recreates the feeling of living in an apartment with several art student roommates all very busy working on projects. One day you get drunk and bored and wander into each room being like “what’s up?” while they are in the middle of putting raw steaks on a computer scanner. Because you are drunk half the time you can’t tell if you are walking on the floor or the wall. Behind every door is a new surprise where it’s questionable if you are even welcome let alone able to grasp what you walked into the middle of. It still doesn’t stop you from touching everything. Enjoy the experience as we rip all your doors off their hinges for a sculpture we are building.

18. Daisies (1966)

Watching this originally banned film is dangerous territory as it inspires women to rebel against the status quo in a fun experimental way that could shatter any monocle. At your own risk enjoy the antics of these two Czech Tyler Durdens named Marie. We meanwhile will spoil ourselves by pulling your bathtub out of its plumbing for a nice milk bath.

17. The Killer (1989)

This John Woo movie along with “Hard Boiled” are tied as they both provide the same thing everyone wants: guns that go Bang-Bang! You got the guy who shoots people so that they fall through glass in slow motion, the guy shooting while doves are flying, or the underrated classic of the guy who shoots while jumping sideways dual-wielding guns. It’s fun to watch and it’s loud as hell so any noises of a wall safe being blown open.

16. Pather Panchali (1955)

Satyajit Ray’s first chapter of the Apu Trilogy gives audiences a human slice of life to the experience of growing up in an impoverished Bengali village. We took your mom’s jewelry.

15. The Seventh Seal (1957)

Death is an inescapable constant that unites us all. What does one do with this knowledge when no other questions are given answers? You may either sit in agnostic dread or go outside screaming a love for the preciousness of humanity. You probably won’t be needing the copper wiring in your walls for either.

14. By Brakhage: An Anthology (2010)

The experimental, abstract, seizure-inducing works of Brakhage make one re-look at the medium of film itself and how to use it. By each frame being so incredibly different from the previous, subliminal messages can be hidden inside telling one to drop off all their money in a big sack with a dollar sign at a disclosed location known only to the subconscious.

13. Brazil (1985)

Gilliam displays the wonderful whimsy of bureaucracy. It’s films like these that you need to show children to make them excited for growing up. They make it look so much fun, we think we are gonna take all your tax forms, receipts, needless cover letters for job applications that don’t even read them, whatever we can take home and have fun filing.

12. F for Fake (1973)

Magic tricks. Illusions. Forgeries. Lies. The role of what makes art great is put on display through several segments organized by a man with a voice so great it could cause sailors to crash ships into rocks. We’ve possibly replaced all your child’s drawings you have held up on the fridge with forgeries but does it matter? The spirit of the art will go on living stronger than anything of physical form. Oh yeah, we may have forged your signature on some documents too but does that matter either? keep on living and thank the charlatans for what they provide.

11. Close-Up (1990)

Prolific Iranian filmmaker Abbas Kiarostami has wonderfully blurred the lines between documentary and fiction over the story of a man impersonating a famous filmmaker. As you try to figure out what is real and what is constructed, we too will be quietly writing down any personal information you have written down to commit our own identity theft.

10. Peeping Tom (1960)

The lesson of this 1960 classic is to not trust anyone who loves filmmaking as they are anti-social freaks devoid of empathy. Examples of such in the real world range from any story about Hollywood, TikTok star’s content, or just listening to any cinephile talk. Consuming films like these will alienate your friends creating a void for us to swoop in and have them for ourselves.

9. Game of Death (19780

Pasting together a barely finished movie five years after Bruce Lee’s death and even including footage of the actor’s funeral will have any viewer going “I can’t tell if this is praising Lee or the most tasteless cash grab imaginable”. You can sit on that one. If the constant actor doubles aren’t noticeable enough then maybe we’ll be able to pull off that we replaced your cat.

8. Black Moon (1975)

An apocalyptic battle of the sexes causes a young woman to flee to a farm containing a rude breastfeeding old woman and a talking unicorn. As city dwellers ourselves, we can only assume the film is an accurate example of average rural families. We will be kidnapping your talking unicorn which we assume all you tractor people have.

7. Tampopo (1985)

This ’80s comedy about ramen is a must-see. The sexy scene of the couple romantically sharing a raw egg will cause sexual tension for anyone in close proximity to start making out. Once we get in that mouth, it’s time to pull out your fillings with our tongue.

6. Koyaanisqatsi (1982)

Be in awe of the beauty that is this world. No characters, no plot, just visuals you would normally put off as stock footage placed on a pedestal to focus on the awe that is humanity to the music of Phillip Glass. This world is a miracle and you shouldn’t be worried about trivial things like how some of your blood is now missing.

5. Rashomon (1950)

Akira Kurosawa’s original take on the unreliable narrator lets the audience question people’s points of view and the actual truth. This is why your witness testimony against us will not hold up in court. Especially when we represent ourselves as lawyers, make the jury watch the entire 88-minute film, then go “Can you really trust this person who thinks we harvested their kidney?”.

4. Beyond The Valley of The Dolls (1970)

Nudity! Reefer! Ozone-depleting levels of hairspray! In honor of Roger Ebert writing the wonderfully shagadelic script for this movie, I’m going to cut off your thumbs as trophies.

3. Bringing Up Baby (1938)

In this delightful romantic comedy you will be looking up the DVD extras to assure you that surprisingly, this 1930s film about a leopard used lots of compositing so has less animal cruelty than some of the more modern ones on this list. Will the uptight Cary Grant fall for the charming free spirit Kathrine Hepburn, or will he stay with his equally uptight fiance? The answer is a mystery that will have you on the edge of your seat! Much like the dog in the movie swiping precious dinosaur fossils, we will be extracting your bone marrow.

2. The Game (1977)

“The Game” is interesting because right after Michael Douglas agrees to the game, he wonders what the fuck is going on in his life only to find out that it’s, well, the game he agreed to. Surprised? I mean, you agreed to watch these Criterion movies when we explicitly told you we’d burgle you during them so perhaps you can relate to Douglas’s character. Enjoy the ride of the movie, enjoy the ride of us robbing you, and have a happy birthday.

1. Godzilla Showa-Era Box Set (1954-1975)

This is the DVD to feature not one, but fifteen movies all in one box set. Together this makes for about 23 hours of model buildings getting destroyed which can be used for a lot of looting. Journey through Godzilla’s first 19 years evolving from a naive novice to master of his domain. This is more than enough hours of monsters screaming for us to take anything that hasn’t been glued down already. Lamps, tables, leftover sunscreen from last summer, computers, even your legs! We even got enough time to take your legs! It’s not like you will be needing to get up and walk from the tv soon. Not when you got your best friend Godzilla and all your other precious Criterions.

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