Press "Enter" to skip to content

45 Best Criterion Movies To Distract You While We Rob Your House

29. Flesh For Frankenstein (1973)

Though unfortunately not in 3-D, Paul Morrisey’s “Flesh For Frankenstein” includes some unsettling scenes of a way too horny doctor playing with chopped-up body parts. Stare at all the gruesomeness and put on a pair of 3-D glasses for the hell of it is hard to make out that the non-3D Nintendo under your television set is being grabbed.

28. Robocop (1987)

The downside is that you’ve very likely already seen this movie before so won’t be too upset if you miss a scene. The upside is that it’s “Robocop” so it has enough toxic waste melting and criminals being shot in the dick to make sure every scene is rewatched. By the time “Robocop” calls himself Murphy again, you’ll be tearing up at his new connection to his former human self just like how we let you be a little less robotic by pocketing all your handheld electronics.

27. Slacker (1990)

The second Teresa Nervosa is done being on screen to sell you Madonna’s used pap smear, we will be going through your medicine cabinet like any respectful citizen of Austin.

26. Mulholland Drive (2001)

“Mulholland Drive” is about moving to Hollywood and having all your dreams come true thanks to the help from a magical genie behind a diner. Be in awe of the whimsical hijinks of these two mismatched roommates. Blue boxes have great value here so let’s see if any you might have are any worth to the pawn shop.

25. Bicycle Thieves (1948)

Stealing your bike during this film is extremely on the nose and lacks the nuance that Criterion movies require, but screw it. Things worked out well enough for the thief in this one so perhaps it will help you feel helpless at stopping us as well.

24. M (1931)

While watching Fritz Lang’s masterpiece on a child murderer, we will be having one of our friends sit down next to you to complain about the Criterion DVD’s choice of cover. You see, Criterion likes to have their own personal cover art for each movie, but “M” is a film with such iconic poster art in which a hand has a big red “M” painted on. Our friend will then explain to you how In the John Hughes movie “Home Alone,” Joe Pesci’s character burns his hand on the McCallister’s custom doorknob leaving a big red “M” permanently on his hand just like the poster. By changing the art, they butcher the reference. Our friend will keep going on and on about this that you will be so distracted trying to run away from him and not notice us continuing to go wet bandits on your home.

23. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Okay, what the fuck? They change the art for “M” ruining the obscure reference for “Home Alone,” then when it comes to Criterion releasing a different John Hughes movie they don’t even change the DVD art? Our friend will be by your ear going all off during this film about teenagers learning that we all have problems we are going through while we continue our wet bandits run only with a New York twist.

22. Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

This wacky rom-com will have you in stitches. The film ends with the iconic line in which the main characters are being asked what they call their act to which they simply reply “The Aristocrats!” You will be falling onto the floor laughing which is helpful because that’s when we take your couch to our truck.

21. Hausu (1977)

Life as a teenager can be scary sometimes. Skeletons, watermelons, etc. Don’t lose faith as long as you have the power of friendship. You will be glued to the screen the whole time for any attention towards missing pianos.

Continue Reading:

1 2 3