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45 Best Criterion Movies To Distract You While We Rob Your House

What’s better than sitting down in front of your state-of-the-art 4K television with a premiere sound system and watching a film from the Criterion Collection? Absolutely nothing, that is why you should crank the volume as loud as possible so you don’t hear your house being ransacked. We ranked the best movies to keep you distracted while you lose all your family heirlooms.

45. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.

44. Color Of Pomegranates. (1969)

This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!

43. Shallow Grave (1994)

Danny Boyle’s debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but we’ll never tell.

42. Beastie Boys Video Anthology (2000)

Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.

41. Polyester (1981)

“Pink Flamingos” may be the big one, but the Odor-Rama scratch-n-sniff card that is to be used while watching John water’s 1981 classic is perfect for distracting that all your glade plug-ins have gone into our pockets.

40. Sweet Movie (1974)

This movie features the kind of unsimulated disturbing imagery typically saved for weird links teenagers stumble upon when online too much. As an American you may find it hard to decipher what the rich businessman in a cowboy hat urinating on people named Mr. Kapital may represent. Between the extremely subtle political statements and a collection of sexual acts that are totally not controversial in any form, it makes me want to say no to capitalism, no to communism, let us follow the politics of the mighty ant by stealing your sugar for our queen.

39. Chasing Amy (1997)

Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!

38. Jellyfish Eyes (2013)

Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just Pokémon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.

37. Fantastic Planet (1973)

Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time they’re blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.

36. Repo Man (1984)

“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.

35. Harold and Maude (1971)

A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.

34. Come And See (1985)

Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we don’t have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?

33. Jubilee (1978)

Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarman’s safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point I’m saying is that we took your bed frame.

32. Stalker (1979)

Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as “The Zone”. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the “Room” is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.

31. Do The Right Thing (1989)

Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookie’s actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.

30. Videodrome (1983)

Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.

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