Due to unfortunate circumstances that are allegedly not your fault at all, you’ve found yourself at yet another parole hearing. Previous instances haven’t gone that well for you, so you’re considering spicing things up with a little song and dance. One of your favorite bands is Reel Big Fish, and they are known for their pragmatic lyricism that promotes second chances and level-headed emotional responses to life’s stressors. You should be warned that not all of the band’s songs are appropriate for the occasion. Before you strap on your acoustic guitar and warm up your pipes, here are 25 songs from the third-wave legends that you should consider skipping. (Listen to the playlist while you read, click here)
25. “Good Thing”
It’s important to remember what this hearing is about. You’re trying to reenter society and prove yourself capable of doing so. Your 10 year sentence is the opposite of a ‘good thing’ and you probably don’t want to suggest that you don’t want it to end. This song will do exactly that.
24. “Big Star”
Your delusions of grandeur might be part of the reason you thought you could get away with your crimes. If you actually were a big star, you might not even have to go through with this formality, but you’re not and you do. Sorry to break it to you, your band’s opening slot for that Specials cover band 10 years ago isn’t going to get you out of this one or anything else.
23. “I Should Know By Now”
Stating that you should know means that you don’t know. This is a bad look considering the whole point of this hearing is to demonstrate that you know it’s bad to knock over a Sheetz in a drunken stupor. This song is the equivalent of the shrug emoji and will suggest to the board that you intend to backslide the minute you get out of here. Skip it.
22. “I Know You Too Well To Like You Anymore”
You’ve never met a single person at this hearing. Well, you know Jeff because he’s a lifer and this isn’t your first rodeo, but that’s it. Given your unfamiliarity with most of those in charge, you should avoid making grand statements such as the chorus of this song.
21. “Maximum Swearing – Live”
First off, this isn’t even a song and it’s weird that you’ve memorized Aaron and Scott’s childish stage banter. Secondly, this is neither the time or place for even a little swearing, let alone maximum swearing. Grow up.
20. “Another F.U. Song”
Ugh. We literally just went over this, but I guess we have to drive the point home for you. The people on this board are professionals and they are expecting a certain level of respect. You get what you give, and no one here will appreciate the suggestion of fucking themselves with a rusty poll. Maybe Jeff will because he’s kinda freaky, but even he knows not to bring it up at a time like this.
19. “Your Girlfriend Sucks”
The relationship statuses of the parole board members is neither here nor there. Even if it were appropriate to give them a heads up that their partners are awful, how would you even know? Skip this one. The board doesn’t even know about your previous issues with stalking, so don’t give them the bait to look into it.
18. “The Good Old Days”
It’s natural to be nostalgic for a youth gone past, but your old days were never good. It’s important to express hope for your future at this hearing. Saying you want to go back to the mid-nineties when you were arguably at your worst is bound to get your parole denied and your sentence lengthened.
17. “Rock n’ Roll Is Bitchin’”
Rock n’ Roll is pretty bitchin’. We’re not here to argue that fact. While you might think reminding the board of the great American tradition that is hard rock will score you some points, it’s not really the right tone to set. If Reel Big Fish had a song called ‘While I Was Rowdy In My Past, I Prefer to Listen to NPR Now,’ that might grease the wheels. Sadly, they don’t, so let’s just move on.
16. “Call You”
Considering two of your ex’s still have active restraining orders against you, it’s probably not a great idea to whip out a tune that suggests you can’t think of anything but calling them up. Playing this one is just going to make the board think you’re dead set on returning to your old problematic ways. Also, it’s over, man. Just move on. Valerie certainly has.
15. “My Imaginary Friend”
Mental stability is something your parole board will be looking into very carefully in your case. Therefore, it’s probably not a great idea to talk about a friend that is a figment of your imagination fucking you over at every turn. Have you ever considered that the real imaginary friend might be yourself? Sorry to blow your mind, we’re just trying to help.
14. “Live Your Dream”
The board’s dream is that you will reenter society as a changed and redeemed person. You should be grateful to even be here. Don’t blow it by suggesting that you don’t appreciate the opportunity. It’s a brat move, and not in the trendy way that makes you look cool.
13. “You Don’t Know”
While it may be true that the parole board doesn’t know quite what it’s like to be you, you absolutely DO need their opinion. Chances are you need it to be a good one too. You’ll have a better chance at getting this if you don’t tell them to fuck off and shove their heads back up their asses.
12. “Everyone Else Is An Asshole”
It’s a good thing to convince the board that you are accountable for your actions and have learned from your previous mistakes. The second you start this song up, it will be clear that you have done neither. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes you are in fact the asshole.
11. “Pissed Off”
While you may be feeling a flurry of emotions at this thing, it’s important to keep a calm demeanor. You won’t get far if you call the parole board cheaters, liars, thieves, and other colorful terms. These accusations are not only unfounded, but could apply to yourself. If you’re not careful, some people in the room will see your rendition of this one as an inward projection. Not in a good way, mind you.
10. “Everything Is Cool”
Anger management has always been difficult for you. You’ve made great strides at correcting this, and you might want to give the board a musical interpretation of your journey. Considering the rapid mood shifts of this song, you should probably look elsewhere. Though likely to be moved by your performance, the board will still have problems with the lyrics and doubt your progress. Skip it.
9. “Valerie”
It’s never a good idea to publically air a grudge in a highly dramatic fashion. It’s an even worse idea to do so in front of people who are tasked with deciding your societal faith. Maybe stray away from a song with lyrics that blame your ex by name for all of your woes.
8. “Your Guts (I Hate ‘Em)”
Even if you hate every member of the parole board with a passion, you must do your best to keep this to yourself. Jeff will be so hurt by this song he’ll end the hearing prematurely, leaving you to a life behind bars. And Jeff’s like, a really nice guy. Why would you want to do that to him?
7. “Everybody’s Drunk”
One of the reasons you’re in this predicament is the fact that your last house party somehow managed to cause millions of dollars in property damage to your surrounding neighbors. Everyone loves a good time, but you might not want to seem like you’re bragging about all of those broken windows and totaled cars.
6. “The Bad Guy”
The board is looking for signs that you’ve renounced your past ways and have cultivated a more wholesome personality. They’re also probably looking for remorse. Unless you plan on changing the lyrics in a Weird Al meets sincere type of parody version, you should probably avoid singing things like ‘I’m the bad guy’ and ‘I’m not sorry I let you down.’
5. “Say Ten”
The closing lines of this track are as follows: ‘I’d eat people if it was legal.’ While you might think acknowledging that cannibalism is illegal will get you a pass on this one, the board will probably be concerned you brought it up at all.
4. “Drunk Again”
You managed to keep your toilet wine hustle a secret up until this point. Quite frankly, the board already had their suspicions given your red teeth and your intermittent blindness. The last thing you need right now is an admission of intoxication. Try not to poke the bear here by playing this one.
3. “Drinkin’”
While we’re on the subject, part of your proposed parole agreement is that you will stay at least 100 yards away from any liquor stores or bars. Therefore, we don’t recommend loudly proclaiming your plan to break that provision as soon as your feet touch the outside. The world isn’t letting you down, you are.
2. “Beer”
During your last bender, you passed out on the floor of a TJ Maxx. If we remember correctly, that certainly didn’t stop anyone from bothering you. Best not to conjure up this image or threaten to do it again at this hearing. This is more about demonstrating growth.
1. “Skatanic”
Absolutely not. You might be feeling the need to express your desire to be liked, or even loved, by the parole board. Perhaps you want to show them how passionate you are about proving yourself worthy. These can both be good things, but you might not want to suggest that you’ll stalk them until they do. You certainly don’t want to say things like ‘I’m gonna make you love me no matter what you say’. You’re already in enough hot water, don’t be a terrifying creep on top of it.