You and your ex amicably broke up in the summer of 2005 and vowed to remain lifelong friends. Astoundingly enough, you both meant it and developed a healthy and vibrant platonic relationship over the years. Your bond has been so strong that you’ve been asked to DJ their upcoming wedding. When you two were dating, one of your favorite bands was Bright Eyes, the folk rock cult led by Conor Oberst. It’s been a while since you’ve listened to them, but you remember a few of their songs being pretty romantic. As a nod to your shared love of the group, you might be thinking of including some of their songs when the dance floor starts to fill up. Here are 25 songs that you should absolutely avoid at all costs. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
25. “First Day Of My Life”
It’s not that this is a bad song to play at a wedding, it’s just not the most original choice. Nearly everyone has heard this overly saccharine and borderline codependent anthem more than they’d ever wish to admit. Even people who claim to love the song scramble for the skip button when this one comes on. Last time we checked, you’re supposed to be cool and unique. That’s at least what your ex used to think.
24. “Kathy With A K’s Song”
The sentiment behind this one is certainly heartwarming, but for the love of god why can’t this guy hit the right note like… even a single time. Much like your romantic relationship with your ex, this one looks pretty good on paper, but is horribly executed. Spare everyone’s ears by leaving this one off.
23. “Oh You Are The Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet And Hold The Earth In Place”
This has potential. Ideally, a marriage should have a solid foundation, and you might want to acknowledge that in your playlist. This might not be the best song with which to do that, though. For having the earth held in place, Conor seems to talk about drinking and crashing on people’s floors a bit too much in this one. Come to think of it, that’s what you did for a few months after the breakup. You don’t want to project that vibe onto the newlyweds.
22. “Make A Plan To Love Me”
Your ex’s new partner goes on a lot of business trips, and you know that it’s a point of contention in their relationship. You might be thinking of putting this one on as a way of looking out and hinting at an area of improvement. The problem is your ex aired this grievance to you in confidence. It’s not cool to betray someone’s trust like that.
21. “You Will. You. Will? You? Will. You? Will.”
Nothing offers well-wishes to a newlywed couple quite like a song that openly encourages a prospective partner to go out and fuck every person they can think of before finally settling for you. The plot of the song is also eerily reminiscent of that time you told your ex you just ‘needed time to think’ before disappearing for eight months and irreparably damaging any future romantic plans. Safe to say, this isn’t the best time to remind them of that.
20. “Happy Accident”
Though your ex met their current spouse after they veered into the bike lane at an unfortunate time, that’s not the kind of accident this song is talking about. To be honest, we have no idea what this song is about, but it seems to mention happiness being unattainable quite a lot. Safe to say that might not be the vibe you’re trying to project here.
19. “An Attempt To Skip The Scales”
Not only does this song mention slowly drinking yourself to death over a cruel and unforgiving winter, there’s like… almost 10 minutes of just talking at the end. Everyone knows your ex loves podcasts, but chances are they wouldn’t pick one that sounds like this in a million years. Keep this one in your back pocket, though. It could help clear out the room when the venue rental ends.
18. “Flirted With You All My Life”
If you’re just looking at the song titles when haphazardly making your playlist at the last second, you might be thinking this is a no brainer to include. Wrong. This Vic Chestnutt cover ‘Flirted With You All My Life’ is so harrowing, that even the opening bars will send the entire reception into a months-long depression. While we’ll admit it would be a great prank, that’s not really what this event is about.
17. “Lua”
Rolling Stone once deemed ‘Lua’ to be among the saddest songs of all time, so you might want to avoid playing it when the guests start clamoring for the dance floor. Despite its themes of enabling drug and alcohol abuse, you always thought the track was hopelessly romantic and sweet. This might be why you haven’t had a relationship last longer than 90 days in the past five years.
16. “A Perfect Sonnet”
We can’t speak for everybody in attendance, but we’re pretty sure it’s not proper decorum to play a song that wishes for lovers to be ‘chained together’ and ‘thrown into the ocean with their songs in letters’ before ultimately being ‘left there to drown.’ You could argue that it’s a metaphor for never-ending love, but it mostly just sounds like you’re encouraging a double homicide to the laymen.
15. “The Trees Get Wheeled Away”
Despite walking in on you doing the deed multiple times, your ex’s mom still believes her child is a virgin. It’s a pretty awkward situation for everyone involved, so you might want to leave a song that mentions ‘a virgin in my bed’ out of the playlist entirely.
14. “Take It Easy (Love Nothing)”
Sure, this might be one of Oberst and company’s danciest tunes, but it’s somehow even more of a bummer than his usual sad fare. The last thing anyone will want to hear at this celebration of love is a grown man talking about how much of a guarded asshole liar he is. And yes, we’re aware of how sick that beat is in the third verse.
13. “On My Way To Work”
Ultimately most people hope the happy new couple will grow old and eventually live out their final days together. Still, they probably don’t want to dwell on the actual dying part. Well, maybe your ex’s uncle does, but it’s generally a bad move to consider what that freak wants. This song skews just a bit too morbid for the rest of the room.
12. “Pan and Broom”
The opening line of the song depicts the protagonist pushing someone down a set of stairs. While we’re sure this isn’t as nefarious as it sounds, it’s not the best image to evoke at a wedding reception. This is without mentioning later lyrical references to leper colonies and grave digging. Save this one for the singles’ mixer you’re DJing next week.
11. “Waste of Paint”
After your ex’s brother totaled his car and got a DUI, you were famously kicked out of his intervention for laughing too much at his demise. You never liked that guy, and you still bring up his drinking problem to his face regularly. Playing a song that literally details the singer’s brother getting in a similar predicament will do little to improve your relationship, and will kind of make you look like a dick.
10. “Sunrise, Sunset”
You’ve probably heard the Fiddler On The Roof classic, ‘Sunrise, Sunset,’ at plenty of weddings. This is not a cover of that song. The traditional version is a ballad sung from the perspective of two parents beaming with pride over how much their child has grown. The Bright Eyes version is a scathing rebuke of a meaningless relationship sung from the perspective of a horrifyingly depressed man. To summarize, it’s not going to land quite as well as you’d want.
9. “When The President Talks To God”
When you and your ex were still an item, their conservative family invited you over for Thanksgiving. You proceeded to ‘ruin dinner’ by nearly flipping over the dining room table in a heated argument over George W. Bush’s foreign policy. While you were probably in the right, you probably don’t want to further incite your ex’s father’s rage on such a special day.
8. “Padriac My Prince”
This should probably go without saying, but there isn’t really a good time or place to blast a track that details not only a drowning baby, but also a grief stricken mother poisoning herself after the fact. You could maybe get away with this one if you ever happen to DJ a double funeral brought on by similar circumstances. Even then, we’d wager people would be too bummed to rehash the tragedy in such detail.
7. “Firewall”
While your ex’s dad will be fascinated by the spoken word intro that leans heavily into the lizard-people theory, most of the attendees will just be scared and confused. Also, it’s just kind of a spooky and downer song. The album it was on was so bad the band broke up for a bit. Don’t project that energy into this night no matter how badly your subconscious wants to.
6. “Hit The Switch”
A lot of folks attending this wedding already think it’s pretty weird that you’re DJing. The majority have at least been polite enough to not bring it up to your face. That will be sure to change if you let this one rip. Every lyric in this song is and will be interpreted as a cry for help from you personally. Skip it.
5. “I Won’t Ever Be Happy Again”
I know we just went over this, but just to reiterate. Some people are already worried about your mental health at this event. As much as you say you’re fine, they’re still not convinced. Unwarranted as their concerns may be, you shouldn’t be encouraging them with a song as dour as this one.
4. “Blue Christmas”
First off, it’s September. Secondly, what are you even thinking? No one wants to hear basically the equivalent of Huckleberry Hound covering Elvis at this event. We get that maybe you’re having second thoughts about cutting things off with your ex, but that’s something you need to take up with your therapist if you ever decide to get one.
3. “I’ve Been Eating For You”
Woah, woah, woah, woah! Absolutely not. This is like… the whiniest breakup song ever written. Everyone is going to take this as you projecting some unresolved feelings about the entire situation here. You might actually get committed if you play this one. Yikes.
2. “Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh”
Given your situation, it’s probably not the best idea to include a song that specifically details the singer’s anguish over discovering their ex-lover has moved on to someone else. It’s a bit too on the nose. We’re crafting a wedding playlist, not an unmarked cassette to slip under your ex’s door in the middle of the night, you weirdo.
1. “Lover I Don’t Have To Love”
While we get that you might be feeling some type of way as the night wears on, you should really avoid causing a scene or making the entire night about you. Playing this song is a good way to do both. Plus it’s not going to sit well with the person your ex has been trying to set you up with all night. You guys broke up like, ten years ago. Move on.
Listen to the playlist: