Whether you are among the 1% aristocrats or just a big Kubrick fan playing pretend, Christmas is a time to get naked and recreate everyone’s favorite orgy in cinema history. Of Course no party is complete without the perfect party mix. Here are the 20 best songs to make the event merry and bright. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
20. The Pogues “Fairytale of New York”
As Tom Cruise’s doctor character lives in Central Park West, “Eyes Wide Shut” is of itself a fairytale of New York. I didn’t bother to look up the lyrics but assume it just covers the plot of the film. The duet between Shane MacGowen and Kirsty MacColl is a beautiful upbeat love song that can really cheer people up.
19. Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis”
The classic rap song most people know because of its appearance in the movie “Die Hard.” What’s that? You are rolling your eyes at someone bringing up that “Die Hard” is kinda almost a Christmas movie while you are busy having your “Eyes Wide Shut” Christmas Bacchanalia? I’m sure with your deep perception of film analysis on the themes of marriage and sex you can also perceive your own hypocrisy. Exhausted meme or not, the song is great.
18. Adam Sandler “Technical Foul”
Although everyone at your sex party is wearing a mask to remain anonymous, it doesn’t mean that some of the masked guests won’t be Jewish. Don’t let them feel left out with all this Christmas music and give them a nice song from the Hanukkah classic “8 Crazy Nights” where Adam Sandler sings as three different lovable characters. Also gives important rules for etiquette at someone’s mansion.
17. Ariel Pink “Rudolph’s Laptop”
Apparently Ariel Pink wrote a Christmas song about Hunter Biden. Obviously, a wealthy man who loves sex and drugs as much as Hunter Biden is welcome at any “Eyes Wide Shut” Party. It’s too bad the song is choppy, its Rudolph connection feels incredibly forced, and the rant against Big Tech being in bed with Democrats has already aged poorly from when it came out two years ago. Hope to see ya at the party, Hunter! Ariel can stay home.
16. The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)”
A good reminder in case people are smoking weed and the pot is making them aggressive. Christmas and orgies are not a time of anger. The Ramones and their notoriously relaxing vibes will ensure that everyone is having a good, relaxed time. That’s why they all wear such snuggly leather jackets.
15. The Residents “Santa Dog”
The Residents are prime examples of how to attend an “Eyes Wide Shut” Party properly: Tuxedos, masks, and remaining completely anonymous. Not to mention that the song has great lyrics if you want to pull out the karaoke machine. You’ll probably have everyone chanting the universally known lyrics “Santa dogs’ a Jesus fetus” regardless.
14. Wham “Last Christmas”
This song goes out to everyone from last year’s orgy that accidentally fell in love. And now once again, they’ve fallen in love all over again, probably repeating the same mistakes. Falling in love goes against orgy rules but sometimes the heart wants what it wants. C’est la vie one supposes.
13. Alvin & The Chipmunks “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”
At normal speed it’s not much, but when played slowed down enough so that the vocals sound like regular humans, it makes the rhythm perfect for your ritual of women sitting nude in a circle as you wave around incense. The slowing down of Dave’s voice at the beginning is icing on the cake as it comes close to sounding like Gregorian chanting.
12. Fear “Fuck Christmas”
A good reminder of what your celebration is all about. The song is called “Fuck Christmas” and you are having a Christmas where everyone fucks. It’s not hard to see why it made the list. The band is of course also called Fear which fits what you will be instilling in any intruders who think they are worthy enough to join.
11. Bing Crosby and David Bowie “Little Drummer Boy”
Story goes that Bowie really hated this song and didn’t want to sing it. Of course he had to because the performance was a humiliation ritual to gain access to Bing Crosby’s secret Christmas sex parties. Bowie, failing to be as big of a sex symbol as Bing Crosby, would do anything to prove his worth.
10. Clarence Carter “Back Door Santa”
A touching song about going door to door having sex. Probably the most overtly sexual song here because who has time for subtlety on the best night of the year. The term “back door” probably pimples something too but whatever that could be is a good conversation piece between fornicating guests who are too shy to figure out how to make small talk.
9. Frank Sinatra “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”
The lyrics about how you should watch out and knowing when you’re sleeping is more of a threat to any interlopers who dared to invite themselves to your party. This is a private gathering and anyone who thinks they can just take a cab ride over must be given the fullest extent of warning if they dare speak of what they saw.
8. Bob Dylan “Must Be Santa”
Sometimes after your secret party people might be noticing strange things the day after like people following them or people who look like the guests found dead. When people ask who could be doing such things, it’s best to shrug and say “must be santa” to all the worrywarts. Plus who can resist the sexiness of Bob’s shaky voice?
7. Spike Jones & His City Slickers “All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)”
Like all elite parties, children’s teeth will be served wrapped in bacon as hors d’oeuvres. When this song comes on, it’s time for your catering staff in Mardi Gras masks to come out behind the secret doors and serve the famished guests as all they’ll be wanting is this delicious snack with their name on it.
6. Dolly Parton “Hard Candy Christmas”
There’s no sugarcoating things, if you want a truly accurate “Eyes Wide Shut” party you are going to be hiring a lot of sex workers. If you are going to be hiring sex workers, make them feel welcome with this beautiful diddy from the musical “The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.” Also to remind people to take a goody bag of hard candy when leaving.
5. A.J. and Big Justice “Jingle Boom”
The only reason the Costco Guys are as popular as they are is clearly because they must have access to some elite gatherings like these. The kid is obviously too young for such an event, so the dad will probably fly solo when it comes to entering the sex dungeon. As they are among these elite, they’re music must be honored. Be on the lookout for any masked guest saying “Double CHUNK Chocolate COOKIE” if you are looking to network with him.
4. Melvins “Charmicarmicat”
With the album cover art and being titled “Eggnog,” this whole EP by the Melvins is clearly a Christmas album. All four tracks of sludge metal are perfect for naked ballroom dancing, but if have to choose one song it would have to be “Charmicarmicat” as it makes for a great safe word.
3. Piano Peace “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”
Recreate the classic scene from “It’s A Wonderful Life” where George Bailey berates his daughter for playing this song only this time the one playing the piano is some guy you hired to arrive blindfolded no questions asked! Also through the night the two of you can have fun banter like a Tonight Show host and his band leader.
2. Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas”
Band Aid took the biggest, most important people in the world together to make beautiful music all in one room. If that’s not a great comparison for an “Eyes Wide Shut” party, then I don’t know what possibly could be. Plus it’s for charity and this time is all about giving.
1. John Cage “4’33’’
If you claim four and a half minutes of silence can’t be about Christmas, then explain the song “Silent Night” little Miss Know-it-all. Also, the song is about using the atmosphere itself as an instrument so if it is played on Christmas, then Christmas itself is being used as an instrument. Besides the song being classy, it also gives everyone a moment of silence to think about their actions and what led them to attend an orgy.