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15 Wacky, DIY, “Home Alone” Style Traps Ranked by How Poorly the Wet Bandits Would Handle Them

The Wet Bandits are not what anyone would call criminal masterminds. But following our mandatory annual Hard Times staff rewatch of “Home Alone,” we’re not totally sure that Harry and Marv are even functional human beings. The amount of physical abuse they suffer and live through in the film is more on the level of Frankensteins than it is living men with a healthy understanding of mortality. So we decided to put them up against a slew of our own zany, DIY home defense inventions to see how well they held it together. Spoiler alert: it’s bad. They did bad.

15. Wet Floor

It’s hard to believe that career criminals could be thwarted by something so easily avoided by the installation of a “Caution” sign. And yet, as we see in the films, these The Wet Bandits are not averse to slip-sliding Dick Van Dyke style over every slick surface they come across. Someone really should replace that sign already.

14. Rickety Ladder With Top Rung Sawed Through

There’s a chance they’d test the ladder mildly before trying to climb it only to end up crashing down comically into a bunch of Micro Machines or firecrackers or some such shit. Easily avoidable, which is how we know they’ll crash down comically right into it.

13. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring

There’s really not much to this one. Spring goes back, then pops out, then someone gets hit in the dick so hard it nearly detaches. Maybe Harry has an okay chance at dodging the boxing glove, but you know Marv is right behind him ready to bear the full brunt of a spring-loaded fist to the testicles.

12. Taser Fan

A ceiling fan with a bunch of tasers tied to the blades that just keep spinning around and around and around and around. All a person has to do to get past it is to simply not walk directly under it – something that both bandits are likely to do near immediately upon encountering the taser fan.

11. Nets!!!

Though they may seem a simple obstacle, nets are a frustrating nuisance to even competent criminals. Toss one of these over Harry and Marv and they’ll get so entangled they’ll end up strangled in their own wet banditry.

10. T-Shirt Cannon Fusillade

We’re guessing this would require a whole lot of string to make them all fire at the same time. And also, we dunno, clamps? Like to keep the t-shirt cannons in place. Whatever, it was enough to kill Maude Flanders so it’s definitely enough to at least knock these jokers off a roof or something.

9. The Breakfast Making Machine From “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”

This one isn’t a trap. Fuck, it isn’t even “Home Alone” canon. Its only job is to make you a full, delicious breakfast through the magic of Rube Goldbergian madness. And after the Wet Bandits take it on they’ll both come away from it with half of their faces missing. That’s the kind of bunglers we’re dealing with here.

8. Landmines Made of Legos

Stepping on a Lego with your bare feet is absolute hell. Stepping on a Lego and then having a hundred other Legos explode two feet under your taint – fuck, just lay down and die already dude.

7. McDonald’s Ball Pit Filled With Cobras

We already know these guys can’t keep it together against even a single tarantula. So a ’90s-era McDonald’s PlayPlace filled with the most venomous snakes on earth is gonna leave these bozos in absolute shreds.

6. Coconut Catapult

It throws coconuts. Quite hard actually. It would put a normal man in a coma but for the Wet Bandits there’s no need to even attempt to dodge it – and don’t worry, they weren’t gonna try anyway.

5. Molotov Cocktails on a String

An augmentation of the classic paint can on a string that swings down the stairs and smashes you in the face, this time you light the Molotov before you swing it down and soak the goons at the bottom of the stairs with fire. Yep, they’re dead.

4. 2 by 4 with a Nail Through It

Sometimes, simpler is better. The piece of wood with a rusty nail in it is a classic of DIY violence. And somehow these idiots fall victim to it every time. Terrible.

3. The Box That Schrodinger Put That Cat In

There’s a thought experiment that goes that if you put a cat in a box with a vial of poison set to break at a predetermined yet unknown time then you must assume that, without looking in the box, the cat currently exists in two states of being – alive and dead. It remains that way until you open the box and collapse the experiment. And now if that explanation seems at all confusing to you, then how confusing do you think it’s going to seem if you put the two fuckwits who couldn’t figure out how to dodge a BB gun in that box instead.

2. Nets Again!!!

The same as the last time except now the net is filled with wolverines. RIP Wet Bandits.

1. Trapdoor Acid Vat With Knives, Nail Guns and, What the Hell, Throw a Few Cobras In There For Good Measure

Fall through the trapdoor and into a world of pain. Considering that neither Harry nor Marv ever even seem to think about where they’re about to set their feet down, we are confident they would not be able to avoid the fall. And after that, it’s just a matter of which lethal bit of the contraption takes them out. We still hope it’s the cobras though.