There are breakup songs, and then there are Kidz Bop covers of songs that are so bad they’ll emotionally destroy you more than the breakup did in the first place. This list is here for you, whether you want to cope with your breakup by testing yourself to see what you can endure, or whether you just want to wallow and go, “this music is trash—just like me.”
“Kryptonite” (3 Doors Down)
This song goes for almost a full minute before you hear a child’s voice. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You think, “Oh, okay, maybe this is just a regular cover. I’m gonna be okay with this.” No. The Kidz Boppers are approaching, and they’re gonna be intoning, “I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon,” utterly drained of emotion, like they’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and/or holding knives. This abrupt change is going to blindside you more than your partner coming home and saying, “Fun fact: I don’t love you anymore,” and you will feel just as betrayed.
“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (Green Day)
This song will have you shouting, “YOU DON’T WALK ALONE! YOU’RE NINE!! YOUR SCHOOL USES A BUDDY SYSTEM! SHUT UP!” You’ll be so furious you’ll chuck a toaster through your window—and look, no relationship will ever do that to you! Only kids singing Green Day can cause this sort of pain.
“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” (Jet)
You will know immediately from the tambourine alone that something is wrong, and then you’ll hear some children—way too many children—scream “Let’s go!” These are instant red flags, and you should stop it while you can and go find something better. Just like your ex did.
“Photograph” (Nickelback)
Look, losing “the one” is probably worse than listening to Nickelback. But it’s not worse than listening to Kidz Bop Nickelback. Nothing is worse. It will kill your ears. We’ve started talking with lobbyists in Washington to see how we can influence politicians to outlaw any more of these covers. (Side note: Kidz Bop needs to chill the fuck out with all the Nickelback. They’ve done at least FIVE Nickelback songs. Like, guys. Stop.)
“So What” (P!nk)
Oh, you “wanna start a fight,” you toddlers? Where, in your orange belt karate class? Nice try, dorks. A grown-up would know that the real place to start a fight is in front of your parents at an Olive Garden, like you did with Claire before she broke up with you and revealed she’s been cheating on you for like three years.
Someone Like You (Adele)
First of all: the tweens singing this do not know heartbreak. (You do, but we’re trying to distract you from that. How’s that going, by the way? Still bad? Dang.) This song replaces Adele’s Grammy-winning belting with the wobbly falsetto of a gaggle of youths, and we discourage you from playing it because we think it might legally amount to torture.
1985 (Bowling For Soup)
For this song, an adult sings the lead vocals, which means we don’t get the pure glee of hearing a child sing lyrics like, “one Prozac a day,” “her dreams went out the door,” and “only been with one man” while having no concept whatsoever of what that means. We’ve been denied something hilarious: 0/10. When the kids say, “make it stop,” we, just like your ex, are right there with them.
Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift)
All of these songs are on here because they hurt to listen to. Some of them shouldn’t be sung by children, some were at least pretty okay songs before and it sucks to see this done to them, and some—like this one—were garbage before Kidz Bop even touched them. This song features the monotoned phrase “look what you made me do” an aneurism-inducing 20 times in 2 minutes. And if that’s what you need to feel right now, it’s here for you.
Use Somebody (Kings Of Leon)
Like a bad relationship, no one’s needs are being met here, and it’s painful. This, however, has the added weird, cringey agony of children singing a song about being lonely and horny. Also, the kid who sings “countless lovers undercover” sounds like such a narc. I guarantee you, that boy has since grown up to become a tax consultant.
Believer (Imagine Dragons)
Look, We’re sure these kids tried their best. But there are not many scenarios where you can replace one adult professional with, like, eight small children and think, “Yeah, this is the same. We nailed this.” No, it’s gonna be a shitshow. It’s gonna crash and burn, like this song, and your last relationship. Besides, Imagine Dragons is already designed to appeal to children, the boppers are just gilding the lily here.
Regenbogenfarben (Helene Fischer & Kerstin Ott)
Oh, you thought we weren’t gonna look at the classic album “Kidz Bop Germany 2”? Think again moron. And now we bet you’re wondering how can we roast “Regenbogenfarben,” a song from an openly queer musical artist with a title that means “Rainbow.” Don’t worry, we got this.
Too many syllables. “Regenbogenfarben” is WAY too many syllables for one word, and it sounds like the name of Rumpelstiltskin’s grandpa. Boom, nailed it. Also, quit trying to take us down you lonely loser.
Beverly Hills (Weezer)
Did you think your ex could upset you in every way possible? This song will find new ways. Children echoing words like “junk!” and “wack!” and “uh-uh!” for an adult singer, like little child hype men? Check. The chorus hitting a high F (no, an octave higher than that) that will split your eardrums? Check. Putting “ah-ahs” that sound—the word that’s coming to mind is “Catholic”—after the guitar solo? Check.
Montero (Call Me by Your Name) (Lil Nas X)
No. Absolutely not. If you have to change “cocaine” to “singing,” it’s not a song for children. No thank you. Burn it.
Sk8er Boi (Avril Lavigne)
Have you ever gotten back together with an ex, and had to go through the relationship falling apart all over again? That’s what this is like, because they did this song TWO TIMES. If listening to that shit doesn’t hurt you more than ruining everything with your ex did, this will: We lied. They actually did the song three times. It’s a “dance remix.” These children are war criminals.
In The End (Linkin Park)
Jesus fucking Christ. Someone at Kidz Bop headquarters listened to “In The End”—basically, “Just Give Up on Your Life Right Now: The Song”—and was like, “Yes. The people need to hear a fourth-grade class and my friend Dave singing this. That is what the people want.” It’s somehow autotuned AND off-key, and it starts with piano provided by what I’m guessing is a 1993 Casio keyboard that’s been sat on a few times. Please, please, please, do not listen to this. Please.
Dishonorable mentions:
All the Small Things (blink-182)
Move Along (The All-American Rejects)
Float On (Modest Mouse)
Vertigo (U2)
The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
And the fact we called our ex partway through writing this because at least that hurt less than the unbearable pain of 40-plus Kidz Bop albums
So, hey. You can get through this. If you listened to any amount of any of those (and we’re betting you listened to the Kidz Bop “In The End” even though WE SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO), then no one can hurt you more than Kidz Bop already has.