Attention longtime Slayer fans! If you’ve shown your dedication to thrash legends Slayer by carving the band’s name into your flesh, you could be entitled to serious financial compensation!
So turn that cry for help into a cry for cash!
Just because Slayer’s kneecaps may be filling with more fluid each performance doesn’t mean you’re not eligible to collect on your lifelong commitment. Fair is fair.
You may notice that “Slayer” in your once youthful skin now looks more like “Bayer” which you’re no stranger to by now. Raining blood is murder on the joints. Blood humidity? Even worse. Isn’t it about time you could afford a little comfort?
Related: Watching Slayer Live Gave Me the Courage to Tell My Girlfriend I Sacrificed Her Cat to Satan
Think of it this way: Do you think Tom Araya carved “Zachary Rosenberg” in HIS arm? Hell no. Kerry King is thinking about Kerry King and not about you or the flak your dum-dum parents gave you when you treated your body like an Etch A Sketch with that clay knife you boosted from art class.
Dave Lombardo? He’s not showing up to YOUR shift at Walmart and yelling “Brian Kominskiiiiiiii!!” in between every box you lift.
Other symptoms of Slayer’s retirement may include:
Battle vest PTSD during peacetime
Excessive drying and irritation on dead skin mask
Sudden lack of use for Nazi imagery
What are you waiting for? WEALTH AWAITS!
Disclaimer: Medical issues should be reviewed by a licensed physician or by a guy whose stepsister used to be a nurse.
Call us by screaming “SLAAAYEEEEER!” into the nearest phone.
Wanna support The Hard Times? Buy one of our t-shirts!
Hard Style is a lifestyle blog by the people who brought you The Hard Times. Like us on Facebook to keep up with all our posts.