Press "Enter" to skip to content

My Startup Cuts Out The Middle Man, Tortures Him, And Slits His Throat

Here at Earth Shields, we set out to create the world’s first direct-to-consumer vegan condom company. Never again will you have to deal with retail markup, inorganic chemicals, and the embarrassment of buying something you put on your penis. We understand that you like to get your fuck on as much as the next guy and you like to be smart and safe about it.

But goddamned Randy down at Walgreen’s doesn’t need to know.

Part of the Earth Shields mission is making the world a better place. So not only do we cut out the retail middle man, we lure him out to our van in the parking lot and take him to an industrial boiler room just south of Uniontown, Pennsylvania.

Maybe if Randy didn’t give such judgemental looks during checkout, things would be different, but here we are.

In a testament to our condoms’ durability, we first tie Randy’s wrists and ankles to the hot water heater pipes with our “Barely There” model. If these condoms can withstand the heat of industrial machinery, they can certainly handle your vanilla missionary anniversary sex without breaking. Hell, let’s gag him with a few while we’re at it. Now the fun begins.

Our condoms are shipped in a discrete, sturdy box using the thinnest and most sustainable cardboard available. The cardboard is so thin and strong, we can take some time to give Randy some papercuts to the back of the knees until he starts to lose his voice from screaming.

And believe me, he is going to scream.

Did I mention that this boiler room is part of an abandoned fish hook factory? Many of the necessary supplies are already in the facility. How many rusty fish hooks will we need? More than I care to count. After hooking dozens into Randy’s shoulders and upper back, we’ll see how strong our condoms truly are by hanging him via the fish hooks.

At this point, our fun will be coming to a close. We need to get back to work in order to provide you with the best customer service in the online subscription industry. The serrated knife my grandpa gave me on my 12th birthday will come in handy here. I’ll slit his throat right above his voice box. And fuck it, why not just keep sawing until his body drops to the ground? That’s where the tasty pink and red and white stuff comes from.

No more laws. No more gods.

Earth Shield Condoms. Use coupon code DIERANDY for 20% off your first order.

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.