Like me, you’ve probably been told that millennials are too busy vaping, eating ass, and razing entire industries to the ground and salting the earth to become wealthy. But in reality, you can become a raging success just like I did: by adopting the looks and habits of the wealthy, and also stealing their identities.
I want to really hammer home that last part. It’s pretty crucial.
I won’t lie, it takes hard work to follow my path to prosperity. You can’t just make a LinkedIn profile and sit on your ass. You have to be willing to invest your time, effort, and emotions 100% into improving your life, Talented Mr. Ripley-style. And also it helps to get a job where you have access to high-end shoppers’ credit card information. That’s most of it.
To start, you’ll need to single out the wealthy person whose life you’re about to invade and take over. It helps if they already look a lot like you but if they don’t it’s not a deal-breaker. One easy workaround is hiding out on your yacht in Ibiza for a few months, then re-emerging and telling all your new ‘loved ones’ you had major cosmetic surgery. Rich people are always doing eccentric shit like that and they hate being uninformed, so they’ll play along until they die even if they don’t believe you.
After you find your mark, I mean ‘mentor,’ you’ll need to get close enough to them to start studying the traits that make them successful: work habits, time management skills, personality quirks, social security number, etc. Things like that. Networking will make a huge difference- like how I used my social media know-how to track down various venture capitalists and real estate moguls on Instagram and follow them around when they’re on vacation, at work, and in the gym.
So now that you’ve shadowed your walking embodiment of success, internalized their confidence, drive, and all their usernames and passwords, what’s next?
Ideally by this time, you’ve become a trusted inner confidant of theirs, while simultaneously remaining unnoticed by their family, most of their friends, and the authorities. Before you start raking in the big bucks, you’ll have to get rid of them. As my wealthy target used to say whenever Forbes profiled him, “Competition is great for business, especially if you eliminate the competition.” What a brilliant man!
One of the first traits I picked up from my successful idol was a ruthless business acumen. Thanks to the invaluable lessons I learned, it took little effort on my part to sail far out to sea and throw the weighted body overboard. In next to no time, I was everything my parents ever wanted for me and more: a guy with a Tesla, thriving businesses, several disowned children from extramarital affairs, and no more worries.