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Woman Struggling to Adapt to New Polyamorous Lifestyle After Cutting Bangs Too Short

DENVER — Local woman Margaret Phelmer is reportedly struggling to embrace her new polyamorous lifestyle following a disastrous haircut, concerned sources confirm.

“I went to a new hairdresser for a bang trim, and I guess that was my first mistake, because she cut the damn things three inches above my eyebrows,” claims Phelmer. “The next thing I knew, I was using terms like ‘primary partner’ and ‘ENM.’ I woke up the next morning to find out I had signed myself up for a polyamory weekend retreat, with rules written down my forearms in Sharpie. ‘Always wear condoms…no dating within the friend group…don’t ask, don’t tell.’ It felt like a Christopher Nolan film if Nolan had avoidant-attachment issues and no sense of self.”

Phelmer’s fiance Ryan Taylor has also been struggling to adjust to the changes in his relationship dynamic since the haircut.

“Look, I can deal with the haircut itself. I mean, I took Fem Lit in college. But these midweek dates with men named Skeet and River? It’s getting unconscionable,” Taylor shared. “I tried to talk some sense into Margaret, convince her that this is just a phase, that she’d be happier at home watching some good-old-fashioned cheating on ‘The Crown’ with me, but she said the only thing that will be oppressed in our household from now on will be her forehead. I’ve even considered purchasing some headbands to speed along this process but apparently that makes me a ‘misogynistic bootlicker keen to fall in with the indoctrinated masses.’ This has to end when her hair grows out, surely.”

Hinge spokesperson Susan Rogers claims Phelmer and Taylor’s predicament is not an uncommon phenomenon, and one not likely to end any time soon.

“We actually acquire 94% of our polyamorous app users this way,” said Rogers. “One fatal snip of the scissors, an accidental flick of the wrist with the clippers, and male, female, and nonbinary users alike will download one or more dating apps like a compulsion. They’ll scour our app for equally idealistic liberals with competitively bad haircuts and then lie to their primary partners about their condom use. Frankly, they’ve become our bread and butter because they always come back. At least, until the grow-out stage is complete.”

At press time, Phelmer could last be observed measuring her fringe and calculating the amount of time before she could let her three secondary partners down easily.