FARGO, N.D. — Account manager Jamie Duncan is in disbelief that she will lose everything in her upcoming split from the mid-level job she has been married to for almost a decade, several representatives from Alphacorp Firm, LLC, confirmed.
“How can they just end things, after everything I’ve done for them?” said Duncan incredulously. “I signed a contract that said I would stay committed, and I’m a woman of my word. For better or worse, in sick days and promotions. I thought it was until retirement do I part. I was dedicated to this company and our future together. I’ve given the past decade of my life to them. I was a bright-eyed 22-year-old who had never known stable employment when I started, and now life with Alphacorp Firm, LLC, is all I’ve known, I’ve never had a serious job with anyone else. Where will I spend sleepless, anxiety-filled nights working on projects in a dingy, windowless office now?”
A representative from Alphacorp Firm, LLC, confirmed their client is filing for divorce.
“We wanted to end our relationship amicably, but these things get messy,” said Christa Chavez, Head of Human Resources for the multilevel marketing firm. “We’ll have to take away her insurance, all her intellectual properties, her company car, every benefit, and her sense of worth. I’m not sure how she’ll be able to afford her rent without our financial support. Even her best friends, her coworkers, will stay with us and grow apart from her.”
“It’s not her, it’s our stocks. We just have different corporate interests now. We fundamentally disagree about money: she would like to be paid and we would like to stop paying her. And, okay, there is someone else: we met a young college grad who can do her tasks worse but cheaper,” Chavez added.
When asked for comment on the lack of loyalty displayed in their relationship, Duncan was upset but surprisingly optimistic.
“I’m just grateful I didn’t invest this much time and energy in a romantic relationship,” said Duncan. “At least this literally paid off. Maybe I’ll find a mature, well-established company who will treat me better.”
At press time, Duncan was scrolling through popular apps Monster, Indeed, and LinkedIn, but had yet to land a single coffee date.