LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Local woman Hallie Phillips is reportedly thriving during an attempt to reduce alcohol consumption despite posting pictures of mocktails to her Instagram account 23 times in the past week, confirmed sources who muted her on social media.
“I kept seeing so many ads for mocktails on Instagram and some influencers I follow kept posting about their alcohol-free experiences. So it looked like fun!” said Phillips while drinking a virgin mojito at 9am. “Oh, and some health benefits, I guess. But it’s going great. You can hardly tell there’s no bourbon in this cocktail. Or rum. Or Vodka. Or single malt whiskey. Or hell, even double malt. I’d even take a sherry. I mean, you can hardly tell.”
Phillips’ Instagram follower/friend Ashley Thomas shed some light on the situation as it continued to unfold.
“Listen, I thought it was a fun little idea for her to give up alcohol for January. It’s good to try new things and see what works. But now I think she might legitimately have a problem,” said Thomas. “I mean, she spent from 3pm to 2am talking about her at-home virgin tiki bar on IG live yesterday. She called it Shirley’s Tiki Temple. She said it like 40 times. It’s like, just take a fucking shot or go to rehab at that point, you know? Look, she just posted again.”
Sheila Duckers, an alcohol recovery expert, offered some professional insight on when mocktails are just a trend or when they’re an indicator of a bigger issue.
“Quitting alcohol cold turkey can have some serious and dangerous outcomes, such as death or becoming intolerable on social media,” said Duckers. “And it can reveal an underlying issue. Sometimes it truly is best to release the vice-like grip on your Salt Lake City Iced Tea and seek help from a professional. It can be difficult to admit you have a problem, or to even recognize you have one. Which is why I have an online guide to help you figure out if you’re just engaging in a fun hobby or spiraling in a public and humiliating fashion. Take my quiz now at mocktailsormockfails.com.”
At the time of print, Phillips agreed to seek the advice of an alcohol recovery professional, and is even going to quit smoking by using a chamomile lavender vape pen 15 times a day.