DUXBURY, Mass. — Local affluent teen Cody Milligan was confused by President Biden’s recent pardon of people arrested for Marijuana possession since he never knew it was illegal in the first place, confirmed dozens of local white teens who were just as confused.
“I don’t understand who these people are getting arrested for having weed. My friends and I blaze all the time and the worst thing that happened to us is when Officer O’Malley said he might tell my dad,” said Milligan. “It just seems weird that people would be arrested for something that literally everyone I know does on a daily basis. My buddy Skyler was selling a bunch of pills and when the cops caught him they just laughed and confiscated everything. It would have been weird if they arrested him since his dad is the chief of police.”
Cannabis decriminalization advocates were quick to acknowledge that punishment is not equally spread out across racial lines.
“Of course little rich white kids don’t have to worry about going to prison for simple possession. The only time someone like them goes to jail is if they rip off other rich white kids. They can hoard drugs and assault women all they want and the worst thing that happens is they get probation and maybe have to switch to a different Ivy League school,” said local attorney Thomas Stringer. “Meanwhile there are entire neighborhoods in the city where kids as young as 15 were being locked up for 25 years just for having a single joint on them. Just guess what the difference between the kids is, go ahead guess.”
President Biden made a brief statement shortly after the pardon.
“Listen up Jack, puffing on a little weed isn’t a crime. Hell, I smoke a big ass spliff before bed each night because it’s the only way I can sleep. Everyone needs to just chill out for a second, man,” said Biden while pulling up a “Pickle Rick” meme compilation on Youtube. “I’d like to personally invite everyone I pardoned to a little get together in the Rose Garden. Bring a drum or some bongos and we will have a rockin’ good time feeling the good vibes.”
Following President Biden’s announcement, former President Clinton lobbied the White House to endorse a firm “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’” policy regarding adultery.