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We Regret to Inform You That Tallahassee Bob’s Child Casino and Discount Fireworks Emporium is Closing Due to Cancel Culture

Tallahassee Bob here, and it’s with a heavy heart that I have to announce that my beloved Child Casino and Discount Fireworks Emporium will be closing down effective immediately due to the out-of-control climate of censorship in our once-great country. That’s right, the woke left finally released their hounds and tore down this renowned adolescent gambling and explosives institution for literally no reason.

Four years ago, I used a PPP loan to convert a decommissioned fallout shelter into the nation’s premier child casino. All I wanted to do was provide a safe place where kids could still be kids and unwind after a long day of public school indoctrination with some good ol’ fashioned high stakes blackjack away from the prying eyes of the US government. And when I was approached by an exiled Uzbekistani General selling hundreds of shipping containers filled with surplus fireworks, I knew it was a sign from God to start selling family-friendly munitions to these precious kids at an allowance-friendly discount. Children traveled from all over this great nation to visit my gambling playground, I was making a tidy profit, and everyone was happy. But unfortunately in today’s woke political environment, it’s apparently illegal to run a successful business.

It’s a known fact that the children yearn for the craps tables, and the free market demands that someone fills that need—if I didn’t, then some foreign Chinese app like TikTok would. But basic economics didn’t stop those money-hating commies on the left from calling in their alphabet boys at the DEA, ATF, FBI, and CPS to do their dirty work and shut me down. Hell, if you ask me, that’s a whole lot of letters when the real culprit only has three—DEI.

Soon the liberal media’s witch hunt will start spinning lies about armed skirmishes with Mexican cartels, and the napalm incident that abruptly ended our Wiggles residency. They’ll say I used child labor, when in reality I was an adolescent job creator. The Girl Scouts can use kids to hock their Thin Mints, but I can’t have highly qualified nine-year-olds work off their gambling debts and pick up valuable job training in the process? Liberal hypocrisy at its finest.

In closing, I hope that this tragedy can serve as a cautionary tale —if wokeness can topple something as All-American as my child gambling and fireworks empire, they won’t stop until they cancel the American dream, too.