OSLO, Norway — Physicists at the Goering Institute of Hardcore Physics recently discovered a new form of toilet paper thinner than a photon of light, confirmed side-eying sources.
“Many previously suspected that there was no physical matter that exists below the dimensions of a photon of light, but here today, we have proven this wrong,” said Werner Schäfer, lead physicist at the Goering Institute. “It was by accident we stumbled upon the discovery. We were working on developing the world’s thinnest joint, when suddenly it dawned on me. We had a new form of paper so thin that it could only be detected through our most sensitive spectrometer. After experimenting further, we isolated several rolls and began testing them at a nearby Chipotle restaurant. This is going to revolutionize venue bathrooms around the world, which is what science is all about.”
Venue owner Trig Franklin of the Trigger Club in Washington was excited to hear of the discovery and had already placed an order for several cases.
“I’ve spent years splitting toilet paper down to its elemental ply, I never thought I’d see the day when a Kroger roll was split at the atomic level,” said Franklin while sweeping up old pretzels to throw back in trays on the bar. “Running a venue is hard work, and this is just one more thing I don’t have to worry about. I can now go back to focusing on more important things like discovering the optimal amount of water you can pour in a bottle of $8 whiskey, or how to split a $20 payment among 17 members of a ska band.”
Occupational Health and Safety Department inspector Ellen Clark was initially concerned with the news, but ultimately feels the department may be powerless.
“There are no regulations for toilet paper thickness in the OSHA code. I usually just check the bathroom real quick to ensure it’s there,” said Clark while testing the strength of a rope suspending a 350-pound PA speaker over the stage. “Our only real concern for this new toilet paper was the measurable radiation coming off of it, no doubt a byproduct of its manufacturing process. However, I have to say, the small dose of radiation patrons get might provide the best cleaning their ass will ever get.”
At press time, physicists also discovered venue hand soap that could only be seen with a microscope.