BEND, Ore. — Vegan office employee Jackie Caplan felt compelled to eat more than her fair share of uneaten greens during a social gathering, confirmed sources who refused to even make eye contact with the salad.
“I mean, it was an ambitious mix of arugula, spinach, kale, shredded carrots, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, roasted red peppers, and sunflower seeds, but coworkers focused on roast beef sliders, shrimp cocktail, and an extravagant dessert bar featuring mini cheesecakes and chocolate mousse cups,” said Caplan. “Meanwhile, I’ve already had two salesmen ask me where I get protein while they both had brownie stains on their shirts. I feel almost like it’s my responsibility to consume these greens to be polite. I don’t even want more salad, but at this point, I feel like I have to prove something.”
Linda Palmer, the self-proclaimed “office mom” and party chairperson, expressed confusion over the salad’s rejection.
“I thought everyone likes salad! It’s healthy, it’s light—perfect for a party,” said Palmer, gesturing to the colorful but largely ignored platter. “I thought about taking a little bit but, you know, I had the baby back ribs and filet mignon instead. Jackie can have it. I asked if she would have some fish since she’s vegetarian or something, and she said no. Then I offered up chicken as a vegan option, but she won’t consume that either. Apparently, she can only eat salad and nothing else.”
Experts note that the phenomenon of uneaten salads at office parties is all too common.
“Fruits and vegetables are often bought out of obligation, not demand,” said Dr. Ruchi Moorjani, a sociologist specializing in workplace culture. “When no one eats it, vegans are left feeling guilted into overcompensating, as if they’re personally responsible for the salad’s existence. It’s like meat eaters don’t understand that vegans actually consume a variety of foods as part of their diets and if they just tried, they’d learn that they actually eat more than just iceberg lettuce. Sure, I’m not sure what else they exactly eat, but I have to imagine there are other foods out there for them.”
At press time, Jackie was seen awkwardly maneuvering a full platter of carrots, broccoli, and celery onto her bus home out of obligation.