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Unhinged Psycho Prefers Band’s Later Stuff

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Local maniac Cole Kristoff openly admits he prefers the most recent releases from his favorite metal band Iron Weaver, outraged sources confirmed.

“People call me crazy, but I happen to like the fact that the vocals are talk-screamed now. I can actually understand the lyrics on their last four albums, and don’t even get me started on how much better the drums sound,” said Kristoff while playing the band’s latest release “Devil’s Water.” “I’m sorry if I think their early albums are too full of youthful aggression and sound a bit raw. I know everyone misses the original lead guitarist, and it’s tragic that he died in a barn fire, but the guy that replaced the replacement is just as good if not better. I especially like how he’s pushed the band to lean into more ballads.”

Friends of Kristoff live in a constant state of anxiety thanks to his music preferences.

“Cole will send me a link to a new Iron Weaver music video and be like ‘you have to see this,’ and it’s the band playing in another abandoned warehouse with a bunch of shaky camera angles so you can’t really see how slow they are moving. I keep telling him the band hasn’t been good since I was in fourth grade,” said long-time friend Don Beltran. “When he got married last year, he had six Iron Weaver songs on the wedding playlist, and all of them were released after 2010. About 30 people left the wedding after the second song. I would have left too, but I was the Best Man.”

Medical professionals are hoping to add “Preferring a Band’s Later Stuff” as a recognized mental illness in the DSM-5.

“I want to make it clear, you can still enjoy new music from your favorite band. But if a band has been around for more than fifteen years and you think they’re writing their best music yet, then you need to be removed from society because you’re a danger to yourself and anyone around you,” said Dr. Mel Aneese. “When musicians get sober, have children, and are successful enough to hire money managers, it’s literally impossible for them to write something as good as they did when they were actually starving. Their rough edges have been dulled, and now they are just doing an impression of their younger selves, even if they are ‘technically’ more proficient musicians now.”

Update: Kristoff is currently in a coma after being beaten within an inch of his life after saying “season 33 of ‘The Simpsons’ is the funniest season yet.”

Photo by Chris Cole.