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Tweaker Wins Tour of Meth Lab After Finding Golden Ticket in 8-Ball

SPARKS, Nev. — Local methamphetamine addict Chuck “Bucket” Kane was shocked to discover an invitation to tour a secretive drug lab in his bag of meth, according to crankheads at the trap house where the purchase was made.

“I came into some cash after someone asked me to watch their Macbook at Starbucks,” said Kane while swatting at invisible wasps. “So I bought myself a bag, and inside was a golden ticket inviting me to tour the factory where the shit was made. It was magical—there were bushes that grew benzos, a lazy river of liquid morphine and fent-laced snow cones. It was dangerous, though. Other guests on the tour kept getting killed off. And then these little jaundiced-looking dudes would come out and do a song and dance every time one of the group died.”

One of the strange-hued, short-statured workers gave some insight into the factory and the mysterious drug lord that oversees it all.

“Please pardon my appearance,” said the diminutive staff member who wished to remain anonymous. “The stunted growth, green hair and orange skin are a result of prolonged exposure to the chemicals we use in manufacturing our drugs. So yeah, the job has taken a toll on me physically. That being said, the tours are a lot of fun. The boss invites a bunch of junkies and tweakers to sample crazy new products. Usually about half of ‘em OD, but the survivors say they had a great time and go out to spread the word about our shit. There’s no better advertising than word of mouth.”

The DEA has categorically condemned any attempt by drug lords to incorporate fun or whimsy into their trade.

“Drug kingpins are becoming more brazen in their efforts to attract new customers,” said special agent Daryl Eastman. “Some of them are starting to pull wacky stunts like this in order to stand out from the crowd. For example, we’ve been trying to nail a bigtime tranq dealer in Philly who added hatchet throwing and pickleball to his spot. And there’s an operation out of Dayton that runs a weekly game show where contestants can win large amounts of drugs—all in an attempt to go viral and drum up more business.”

At press time, Kane had been handed over the keys to the factory after proving his worthiness by returning the Everlasting Meth Crystal he’d been given on the tour.