WASHINGTON — Ousted Fox News personality Tucker Carlson is looking for a new gig which would allow more freedom for the racist diatribes that shaped his long career, according to relieved sources within Fox.
“They’re saying I was fired, but I was going to quit anyhow,” said an indignant Carlson, carrying a box full of personal belongings out of Fox News’ Washington studio. “I’m tired of being hamstrung by corporate media which won’t let me exercise my freedom of speech. The latest impasse was when the chickenshit executives wouldn’t let me recite the 14 Words at the beginning of each program. What’s next, are they going to stop me from saying the Pledge of Allegiance? Right now I’m fielding offers from OAN, Newsmax and a dark web video service out of Russia that seems to have very loose restrictions on hate speech.”
Fox News Vice President of Programming Theodore White says they tried to appease Carlson for years, but it was never enough.
“I think everyone knows that Fox News proudly caters to a mostly caucasian audience,” said White. “We’ve found we have the greatest success toeing the line just shy of overt racism, preferring the dog whistle technique. But Tucker was always asking for more. We tried to satisfy his insatiable lust for on-air racist rhetoric, but we have to draw the line somewhere. It’s true that our core audience wants their racist beliefs reinforced, but they also want to maintain a degree of plausible deniability. It’s the broadcast version of saying ‘I can’t be racist, I work with a Black person.’ Tucker was starting to make that a little difficult for them.”
Lincoln Rockwell, leader of a white supremacist group headquartered in Alexandria, VA, agrees that Carlson would often go too far.
“Believe me, I agree with just about everything Mr. Carlson has ever said. Obviously, as someone whose group distributes racist leaflets throughout suburban neighborhoods, I know a thing or two about bigoted conspiracies,” said Rockwell. “That being said, I have a BA in communications, so I also know about messaging. You can’t come out too strong with this stuff. Mr. Carlson needs to learn to tone it down a bit if he wants to get the message across. For example, the 14 Words are best saved for when you’ve already piqued your audience’s interest with talk of the Great Replacement and little hints as to who controls banking.”
At press time, Carlson was reportedly in talks to launch a podcast with singer Morrissey, where the two would make fun of bad movies and also talk about how terrible non-white people are.