KENT, Ohio — President Donald Trump announced he’d be awarding the Medal of Honor to those brave National Guardsmen who shot and killed defenseless students on May 4, 1970 at Kent State University, confirmed White House sources.
“Everyone knows that those radical leftist lunatic college students were going to overthrow the government starting in the Buckeye State,” said Trump while cleaning KFC out of his teeth. “I heard the football coach Nick Saban was there at the time and we all know he’s a leader and a winner. Won bigly many college football national championships. Great guy who I know well. But given the chance I’m sure Komrade Saban would’ve become a communist dictator and overthrown the government and we can’t have that.”
The family of the now deceased National Guard General Robert Canterbury who was leading his soldiers that day spoke out about this honor.
“My grandad said that he would’ve gladly gone to Vietnam instead of the hell that is Kent,” said grandson Cliff Canterbury. “In Vietnam they could hide in the trees and shoot at you secretly. At Kent they would hide in the middle of an open football field without any cover and maybe throw a rock at you, and we know that the average hippie can whip a rock at an average of 600 miles per hour. You tell me which situation you’d rather be in and then tell me if you’d still refrain from shooting.”
Survivor of the Kent State shooting Meghan Roth was completely nonplussed by the news.
“Am I surprised or shocked? Well I really wish I was,” said Roth. “I mean, the shooting actually made Jim Rhodes the governor at the time more popular and nearly got him a senate seat. It turns out that most people think being tough involves haphazardly killing those weaker than you and all of their friends. I wish I could add some acerbic and witty comments about this but honestly, there’s no jokes to be made about this.”
At press time, Trump confirmed that there’d be many more medals of honor to give out because there’d be “many more Kent States to come.”