WASHINGTON — President Trump complained that the manual that details how to operate a fascist regime was “boring” due to the lack of images, according to frustrated staffers tasked with getting him to read.
“Look at this thing,” said Trump, dropping the thick volume on the Resolute desk. “Hundreds of pages to say what? Militarize this, consolidate that, scapegoat so-and-so. Believe me, I get it. People keep saying, ‘Sir, sir, you really need to read the playbook.’ Listen, I have one of the greatest brains. You need a world-class brain like mine to do the weave, as I call it. My uncle also had a world-class brain. He founded MIT, after all. This playbook, though…It’s just page after page of nothing but tiny little words. Would it have killed someone to write some pictures in there?”
White House staff assistant Mary Elise Witkins is on the team assigned to finding ways to make the president engage with the material.
“We’ve tried everything, but he just doesn’t like to read. Or can’t read?” said Witkins as she worked on scenery for an upcoming educational puppet show for the president. “I’ve tried reading it to him, but he just looks at his phone or falls asleep. He asked for pictures so we generated a bunch of AI illustrations, but he complained the Nazis didn’t look muscular or tough enough. We also spent big money producing a pop-up book version—the sieg heiling was very impressive—but it got no reaction from the president.”
The Heritage Foundation’s Gordon Sprague argues that Trump doesn’t need to bother with reading things like the Nazi Playbook.
“President Trump would only be wasting his time if he sat down to read,” said Sprague while browsing German World War II memorabilia on the dark web. “Trump is a natural—a savant even—when it comes to sadism. He’s never needed to study how to effectively place the state’s boot on the neck of the populace—this kind of cruelty is self-evident to him. It’s as though it’s written into his DNA. Sometimes we’ll give him a little pop quiz such as, ‘You see a poor person begging for a sip of water. What do you do?’ He always nails it. The answer, by the way, is to abduct and beat them.”
At press time, a breakthrough had been made after excerpts of the text were spelled out in sesame seeds on the tops of Trump’s hamburger buns.