WASHINGTON — Trump brothers Don Jr. and Eric were witnessed throwing tantrums in the White House halls, insisting their father arrange a “totally awesome” slumber party with the Tate Brothers now that they’re back in Florida, confirmed sources.
“Papa goes to Florida all the time, it’s not fair!” cried Trump Jr. while taking a break from a pepperoni pizza Lunchable. “I have my sleeping bag ready to go, so does Eric. I’ve set up junk food stashes all around the White House. But they only get to see our candy hideouts by showing up, here, to an official Trump family slumber party, NDAs included. I love their videos so much. I want to whisper all of my secrets and rub their shiny foreheads for luck. I can’t wait until I get to touch a woman, maybe they know some!”
Donald Trump took to the Oval Office to order the play-date.
“This Executive Order I just signed demands the Tate brothers come over and have a slumber party with my boys, and I think they will,” said President Trump. “In fact, I know they will. We’ve wanted this for a long time, this is going to be great television. It’s a beautiful thing, ok? I don’t want to say anything about Eric and Donnie, but they can pick up some Tate masculinity, ok? I’m providing this sleepover with every ‘Entourage’ season on Blu-ray, plus a scary book about powerful women, which is better told under a Tesla-branded blanket with a MAGA-branded flashlight, available on whitehouse.gov.”
CNN political pundit Justine Hannover was forced to cover the sleepover.
“The slumber party livestream has revealed fascinating insights into the First Family’s home life. After hours of Playstation, Andrew and Tristan turned down Eric’s idea of a Pentagon scavenger hunt,” said Hannover. “A round of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the Tate Brothers ended very quickly, with acts and descriptions mentioned that we can never actually air. However, Andrew was up for a midnight snack raid, insisting the Trump boys bring back raw meat and virgin Shirley Temples. Unfortunately, attempts at Monopoly ended in anger and confusion. Most of the evening was spent discussing crushes on their own staff and reminiscing about Maxim covers.”
At press time, the two sides made additional plans for a “big adventure camping trip.”