BELLEVILLE, NJ — Financially savvy 38-year-old Scott Lawry revealed his secret to saving $50 is to spend several hours shopping at multiple grocery stores, confused sources with disposable income confirmed.
“You have to start out with the non-perishables because you’re going to be in your car for a while,” Lawry advised as he merged into rush-hour traffic to save $.50 on a five-pound of russet potatoes at the ALDI across town. “I typically spend three hours on the Kroger app looking for digital coupons, but that’s my last stop because it’s so close to home, and I first have to hit up the Dollar General for toiletries, Publix for produce, and the Walmart Neighborhood Market for the name-brand snacks. When I’m really strapped, I use my Target Red Card because it takes 48 hours to hit my bank account, and I can load up on enough granola and non-dairy milk to get me through the next few days while I wait for my direct deposit.”
Lawry’s girlfriend Hope Mullen admires her partner’s resourcefulness, but laments over the cost to their relationship.
“We used to do things on weekends, but now our time is lost chasing savings,” Mullen wept as she opened a crushed box of Cheez-Its that was purchased from the scratch and dent section of the Save A Lot two towns over. “We used to go to the park, concerts, and take day trips to the city, but Scott has become so obsessed with finding the best deals that our Saturdays are now mostly spent trying to ‘beat the rush’ even though we spend $30 in gas money to get all of our groceries at the best price.”
Benjamin Clark, Lawry’s best friend and toughest critic, suggested an easier way to save money on a weekly grocery haul.
“I just steal whenever I can,” said Clark as he punched Lawry’s phone number into the gas station keypad to steal his fuel points. “If stores want to charge eight bucks for Rice Krispies, you just need to find a blind spot so you can stuff some beef jerky into the box before hitting up the self-checkout. You just need to be ready to run to the getaway car if some overzealous cashier is in a tackling mood. If Scott could just balls up and learn this tech, he’d both be saving a ton of money and not waste an entire day in his shitty minivan.”
At press time, Lawry was spotted wearing a fake mustache at Costco so he could use his dad’s membership card.