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Teen at First Show Pretty Sure This Is a Good Place to Stand

KENOSHA, Wisc. — 15-year-old Mark Hall reportedly believes he has picked the perfect place to stand during an all-ages hardcore show today at VFW Post 1865, witnesses report.

“I’m really excited to finally be at a real concert,” said the young music nerd. “And I think I’ve found the perfect place to watch from: right here in the center, maybe 10 feet back from the stage. I’ll have a close-up view, but not be so close that I can’t see everything.”

“My friend Lisa is here with me, but she wanted to hang out in the back for some reason,” added the eager 9th grader, standing proudly in a place soon to be occupied by a shirtless, 300-pound man.

The teenager noted that it’s “too much effort” to go see an act like Metallica, for which his parents would have to drive him across the state. Instead, he decided to see local hardcore band Willfully Ignorant as his first live music experience.

“I wonder if I’ll need these earplugs,” wondered Hall aloud, unaware that before the end of the night, he will be elbowed in the sternum by a 26-year-old woman with neck tattoos. “I’m going to take so many photos with my phone. This is gonna be awesome!”

Despite the risks, many of the older attendees were supportive of Hill’s choice of position.


“Damn, it’s cool to see someone that young ready to fuck shit up in the pit,” said scene veteran Devin “Devil’n” Hirschberg. “Last time Willfully Ignorant played here, six people went to the hospital. This looks like a good night to break that record.”

Calling it a “tale as old as time,” sources at the show speculate Hall will likely try and escape the mosh pit of which he has preemptively positioned himself at the center, but will constantly get pushed back in by people who think they’re helping.

“Judging by the fact that the kid keeps looking around like he’s lost in the woods, I’m guessing he has no idea what he’s gotten himself into,” said local hardcore kid Sara Cramer. “They’ll probably open up with ‘Broken Ground,’ which is pretty much a four-minute mosh part that ends with a pile-up part. I don’t see this ending well for that kid.”

At press time, bystanders pondered whether to tell Hall not to Snapchat the first few seconds of the show, unless he wants to explain a smashed iPhone to his father.

Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.