WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.
“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people who ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people who choose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around to do so, despite the rest of humanity wishing they would just go ahead and take themselves out.”
Local teen James Nelson went no-contact with his father after he became an active ICE agent again this year when he heard about the unchecked force he’d be encouraged to use under President Trump.
“Every time the phone rings I worry that it’s THE call,” said 17-year-old Nelson. “I fear that it’s my dad and he still hasn’t killed himself. It just comes with the territory when your father is in that line of work. You never know what day will be his last but you can be sure it isn’t going to be soon enough. Here’s hoping my luck turns around and my dad offs himself.”
Kelly Walters, neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry, has spent decades studying the brains of serial killers, sociopaths, and men with personalities built around protein supplements.
“We expected we may find answers for the lack of moral development in the prefrontal cortex but we were shocked to find anomalies that go far beyond the brain,” said Walters. “We gave full body MRIs to a large number of ICE agents and discovered that inside their chest cavity, where we would see a heart in an ordinary person, is actually just a screaming void. You could actually hear it through the image which was really quite astounding.”
At press time, NIMH revealed that they would be opening a Suicide Encouragement Hotline, specifically for ICE agents who feel good about what they do for a living.