RICHMOND, Va. — A recent study from the University of Richmond revealed a startling link between the declining U.S. birth rate and the increase in other people’s children at breweries.
“There’s little doubt that Americans are increasingly delaying or forgoing parenthood,” explained lead researcher and craft beer enthusiast Susan Morgan. “But the question is always, ‘why?’ We developed a standardized questionnaire that could be administered at local establishments. And let’s just say Richmond proved to be very fertile ground for our research. We found that the majority of both undecided adults and those planning to start families were personally against procreation after spending the equivalent of just 20 minutes at a local brewery, cidery, or distillery. Something about the sound of crying babies when you’re trying to get day drunk while sitting around a barrel playing Uno with friends turns people off to parenthood.”
There was a notable gender split, where 86% of women surveyed decided against parenthood solely due to brewery experiences, while only half of men did.
“Fathers are probably more likely to view taking a child to a brewery as a bonding experience, albeit an indirect one,” speculated study co-author Gwen Ware. “Women often consider the practical aspects of child-rearing, like gestation, ensuring a child survives into adulthood, or the ability to take your toddler in public without it screaming directly into the ears of strangers, whereas previous research suggests men are more likely to compartmentalize. In other words, integrating a child into things they already like to do probably sounds ‘really cool’ to a dad, as long as they don’t really have to do any of the heavy lifting.”
Brewery employee James Parker seemed to confirm the findings.
“Honestly, the kids sometimes suck, but the adults who are supposed to watch them are worse,” said Parker while mopping a spill made by a patron of unspecified age. “Either way, after one week of working here, I got a vasectomy and deleted my Hinge account. There’s just no way I want to accidentally father one of these things. On top of that, don’t get me started on the beloved ‘small business owner’ who pays us shit and actively union busts.”
At press time, Dr. Morgan conducted a follow-up study revealing a link between dogs at breweries and people suddenly having an urge to adopt a Golden Retriever.