STANFORD, Calif. — A psychological study at Stanford University found that 85% of participants would willingly drink kerosene if the word “prebiotic” was included on the label, sources report.
“These findings were both alarming and disconcerting,” head researcher Kayleigh Brumfeldt said. “Of the 20 individuals we tested, 17 willingly drank from kerosene bottles, that were thankfully filled with water, after we added a label claiming the product contained prebiotics. It should also be noted that we believe the other three only refrained from consuming the contents because they were illiterate. We were already aware that Americans don’t demonstrate the capacity to think when it comes to what they put in their bodies, but we did not know the extent to which they’re willing to defile themselves because of a label that contains a word they don’t know the definition of.”
Participant Ben Reifert reflected on his experience with the study.
“I’m pretty sure kerosene is something I shouldn’t drink,” Reifert admitted. “But aren’t prebiotics really good for you? Or is that probiotics? Or are both of them beneficial? Do I need to consume just one of them or both of them to be healthy? All I know is that I started drinking five cans of Poppi a day because they have prebiotics, but I don’t know if I should be doing more than that. I eat a lot of Takis. Do those have prebiotics in them? Maybe only the blue ones do, because I’m pretty sure blue is healthy for you. I should go back in there and drink some more of that kerosene just to be on the safe side.”
Nutritionist Farzana Mukherjee was not surprised by the study’s findings.
“American consumers have to be the most ill-informed people on the planet,” Mukherjee sighed. “In lieu of education, we’ve resorted to just assuming food products are healthy because the companies themselves proclaim them as such. How else would you explain the entire nation thinking Subway is healthy just because some pedophile claimed to have lost weight from eating their food? Or people believing that consuming Gatorade’s processed sugar water is somehow a necessary part of exercise? I’m seriously considering a career change, because it’s not like people are listening to my advice anyway.”
At press time, the same research team found that 90% of Americans would eat cat litter if the word “protein” was written on the label.
