ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A new study from the University of Michigan revealed that you can basically just walk out of Target with stuff and you most likely won’t get caught.
“We employed longitudinal, observational, and participatory research design methodologies to evaluate the practical efficacy of Unauthorized Merchandise Liberation (UML) within Target retail environments over an 18-month period,” said lead researcher Monica Carter. “Participants were randomly assigned to one of two cohorts: the first received Enhanced Theft Training (ETT), which included targeted instruction in situational awareness, eye contact mitigation strategies, and strategic tote deployment; the second received no preparatory training. Our findings suggest, with a high degree of confidence, that individuals can, in fact, remove merchandise from Target with minimal risk of intervention or consequence.”
Local punk Burt Mars expressed confusion about why anyone would need to study something so “obvious.”
“I steal from Target all the time,” said Mars. “Like, all the time. My whole week is basically: wake up at noon, go to Target, take stuff, meet up with my girlfriend, then we both go back to Target and take more stuff, get burgers, hit Target again, and then either go to a show, hang at Jinx’s place, or, if we’re bored, just go back to Target and, y’know… take stuff. I don’t even need most of it. It’s just, like, really easy and kinda fun. They should let me be in one of the studies or whatever. I’d be so good at it.”
Dr. Sarah Bundt, a humanities professor at the University of Southern California, has spent the last three years advocating for the formal recognition of Retail Extrication Studies (RES) as an interdisciplinary academic field.
“While this study from the University of Michigan may certainly help, the academy has historically been reluctant to legitimize theft as praxis—and, by extension, as a valid subject of academic inquiry,” Bundt explained, standing beside a whiteboard diagram labeled “Fluidity of Ownership in Monopsony Capitalism.” “I’ve tried. I’ve applied for grants under titles like ‘Kinetic Redistribution Theory’ and ‘Reclaiming the Aisle.’ Still, reviewers keep writing things like, ‘This is just stealing,’ and, ‘It’s already pretty obvious that taking things from Target without paying is easy,’ in the margins.”
At press time, a follow-up study revealed that the same logic likely also applies for Wal-Mart and most definitely Kohl’s.