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John Joseph Announces Engagement to Large Pile of Vegetables

NEW YORK – Friends and family were reportedly caught by surprise when  Cro-Mags frontman John Joseph announced his engagement to a large pile of assorted vegetables.

“I am so happy for Johnny. I know him and that heap of organic produce are going to have a great life together,” said long time friend Debbie Neufeld. “Johnny is always talking about vegetables on instagram and in books about how good they make him feel. I am just over the moon.”

Joseph has had a long and storied relationship with vegetables over the years. After ending his relationship with meat in the 1980’s, Joseph’s relationship with vegetables started casually when he adopted a vegetarian diet. It wasn’t until he adopted an entirely plant-based vegan diet that he started to look more seriously at vegetables as a potential life partner.

“Yo man I am so fucking in love with vegetables, they give me that PMA all day. They make me a better man, always there for me whether it’s an easy day of 400 sit-ups or training for an ironman, vegetables always got my back,” said Joseph from his kitchen which he shares with the variety of leafy greens, roots, and cabbages.

Joseph added, “Save the date, we are going to go off Cro-Mag style and do this wedding right at Webster Hall on December 20, peace.”

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Not everyone responded positively to the news of the upcoming nuptials. Former friend and long time band mate Harley Flanagan released a somewhat incoherent statement regarding the coupling, “These clowns think they are coming to Webster Hall? Well, mother fucker, I will carve that pile of vegetables up then chew it into little tiny digestible pieces for my body to turn into energy. You just watch brother.”

Joseph did address concerns about his love of jackfruit and how that might affect his relationship with vegetables. “Yo you know I got that PMA all day you know I do. I love jackfruit and I appreciate jackfruit, but I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with it. Vegetables get me going Cro-Mag style, PMA all day, peace.”

Photo by CGIAR, Ronnen Kaufman, and Mirinda Moriarty @leeloodallas_multipass.