WASHINGTON — White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller capped off his day by rewatching the death of horse Artax in beloved 1984 children’s fantasy film “The NeverEnding Story,” appalled sources confirmed.
“Spending my day fighting to enact policies requiring mass deportation and family separation of migrants is exhausting,” Miller said as he reclined in his loveseat and giggled at the sobs of character Atreyu. “It feels great to come home every night and watch Atreyu struggle futilely to pull his beloved horse out of the muck as he succumbs to the crippling depression pervading the Swamps of Sadness. I’m not even a big fan of the movie as a whole; I just like this and the scene depicting children bullying the character whose mother just died. There’s just something about the gut-wrenching despair enveloping Atreyu that makes me feel so warm and content.”
Wife Katie Miller reacted to her husband’s behavior.
“Look, I love misery and suffering as much as the next God-fearing American,” Miller confided as she watched her husband squeal delightedly and clap his hands before restarting the scene. “I just think he should branch out and watch something different every now and then. I work in the Department of Government Efficiency, which I know is a complete joke. Nevertheless, I’d still like to be able to relax and watch something else at the end of the day, but Stephen is always watching that stupid horse die. As much as I enjoy seeing my husband revel in a child’s anguish, it’d be nice to be able to play an episode of ‘Yellowjackets.’”
Psychologist Chike Adeoye weighed in on the situation.
“Malevolent government leaders love to revisit upsetting scenes from childhood movies in their downtime,” Adeoye offered. “I see this all the time in my case studies. Whether it’s Vladimir Putin rewatching the old lady die in the beginning of ‘Up’ or Ronald Reagan having Charlotte’s death scene in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ played on repeat during White House holiday parties, the psychopaths running the world all have a specific taste for childhood trauma. Dick Cheney had a 65-inch TV set up in the US Naval Observatory just so he could watch the funeral scene from ‘My Girl,’ so Stephen Miller’s proclivities are certainly nothing new.”
At press time, Miller was beginning his nightly bedtime routine by rereading the end of “Where the Red Fern Grows.”